Building a Healthy Relationship as a Man

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• What can men learn about themselves from connections with others?
• Why is building self-awareness so important?

HELPFUL  LINKS

• About the Host  - Ela Senghera 
• Speak to Me - Book Here
• Get Free Brochure  - Be True You in Your Relationship
• Audiobook - Finding Love
• Parenting Book (2nd Edition) - Teach Your Kids to Build a Positive Self-Image
• About the Guest - Christian D Evans

Transcript

Ela  0:11 
Hi, Christian, how are you doing today? Welcome.

Christian  1:02 
I'm doing fantastic. Thanks so much for inviting me on. I'm really looking for an amazing podcast interview here, Ella,

Ela  1:08 
I'm really pleased you could make it and you found time for this. So perhaps we could start by you telling us a few words about yourself. Tell us who you are. And what is it that you do professionally?

Christian   
Yeah, I really appreciate that. So like I mentioned, in the interview there at the beginning,  an Investor Managing Partner, like equity. But one of the biggest things I always love to share with people is a failure first, and throughout that life, I was able to unpack that tremendously, so that I was able to own my story, integrate certain systems behaviours, thought processes, reframe my thought process and my belief systems to be able to facilitate prosperity in a lot of different other avenue and growth in every avenue of my life as well. And that's I always love to talk about that struggle first, because it helps people really kind of emphasize the importance of the vulnerability and authenticity of what we all struggle with a little bit. So but then that helped me really be able to grow business, being able to exit that. And I mainly focus on a managing partners.

And then, of course, do amazing podcasting with amazing guests, eight, 9-figure entrepreneurs unpacking their story about 1% kind of business tactics and strategies. And one of the things that I would love to talk about is one of the things I've discovered and this is kind of what our conversations gonna be talking about today here is really the evolution of relationships, right, and being intentional with relationships and holistic relationships as well. And what I found so interesting, after interviewing hundreds upon hundreds of people, you know, you sometimes have to unpack your own story. But you also have to have the right relationships with the right people and be very strict on who feeds life into you and talks into you, but also to be discerned with, okay, who is not feeding who's not planting the right seeds in your life. And, you know, not only building and being amazing with intention with relationships but also removing yourself from other relationships that are harmful. And you know, sometimes that's the tough discussion, a tough conversation we have to have. But yeah, I'm looking forward to this, this conversation here.

Ela   
Yeah, exactly. You put it really right there in terms of - it's so crucial to identify who adds that positive spark or, you know, the fact that we become stronger and more courageous and reach out for our dreams and believe in ourselves, and who is actually perhaps got the tendency to take our creative energy away from us, and make us suffer a little bit more with self-doubt, self-consciousness, or perhaps who is adding regular trauma, you could say to our lives, and here I'm thinking, romantic relationship, the value and importance of romantic relationships, as well as friendships and family members. So the reason I wanted to talk to you about this question today is that I think it's fair to say that we live in times when relationships can really define us. And you can hear we all heard all sorts of quotes in the media about, you become like the top three or top four people you spend the most time with, and so on, and, and relationships can really add crucial value to our life. And that is applicable to both men as it is to women. And is there someone in your life? Is there a relationship you can think of that immediately springs to mind when I say, who's brought the most value to your life? Or who do you feel contributed to you becoming confident, and therefore successful? Can you think of a person like that and share a little bit of that story?

Christian 
Yeah, one of the things I always look at is kind of the evolution of our own thoughts, right? And what I mean by that is, I think there are certain periods, there are pivotal moments in our life that we all come to, and during those times periods if we allow people to feed into us, so what I mean by this is, I think there are in my own life, there were certain times where there were three or four mentors that came in and fed the right, right thoughts. The right seeds helped me facilitate growth in my life. So what I mean by this is I remember specifically one mentor of mine and he was a holistic mentor. And what I mean by that he was not categorization aware, he was like being able to be successful and monetarily, but you know, had a failed marriage, right? So he was a holistic mentor, where he was able to, whenever I had advice or need advice or anything like that perspective change, he was able to give me a holistic perspective, not just in regards to business or you know, spiritual, whatever it was that holistic aspect.

Now, during that time, it was really nice to understand how that mentor, however, though, there came another part in my life where he may have not struggled with the things that I struggle with. And so I had to find another mentor that was able to help me shoulder with the same thing so that I could align and say, okay, hey, what did you do to solve that, you know, work through that develop that right now, what I found very interesting, and we will talk a little bit offline, I want to kind of bring this up a little bit, is the foundation of relationships. And I think we really talked about this, man. And I think we mentioned this, and I think there's some data to support this. Men tend not to be as open right about it, whether it's culturally, whether that like, oh, we gotta be, you know, act like we have everything together. And what I found so interesting is when I struggled with this, these certain addictions, I went to certain groups, that allowed us to have the emphasis of being able to open ourselves up with other comfortable people. And why they were so important is it was one of the biggest impacts because they allowed someone that was struggling with the same thing too. And you started realizing that you were not the only one, right? Because when, when you start realizing that other people struggle with the same stuff, and allowed us to come closer together, and allowed us to build synergy in this relationship with people and say, Oh, I didn't know you struggle with that, you know, now there's vulnerability.

Now we understand the importance of vulnerability. But now the question is, really, why are we not? Why are men tend not to be authentic? Right. And one of the biggest things that we fear, we feel pride and arrogance, but also we fear judgement. If we open up, if we share our insecurities, then we feel judged, right? It's the same thing with women, right? It's like, but the thing is, right, yeah, fear of judgment. And so if we acknowledge that, in fact, yes, there may be judgment, depending upon who is the person you're sharing that information with. But you also have to have that discernment to say, okay, hey, who am I going to share this, these very authentic and vulnerable, experienced moments, right? So for example, I'm not going to go to my family and share certain struggles that I struggle with because guess what, that may be discernment that may not be their position, but I can go to a counsellor, I can go to a therapist because that's positional. That's what they're there for. I can go to a group that all struggle with the same thing. There's that synergy, right? So I think the question is, is we got to find if we want to be authentic and vulnerable, right? And the same thing with a relationship with like marriage, right? I hear so many women that say, Oh, my husband's not able to be, you know, open up, etc. And sometimes I don't think we had the right expectation. Sometimes we have to give credit where credit's due and regards to like that small incremental opening up like, hey, you know, how do you feel today, right? And maybe they, they may not be able to say, oh, man, this stressful, whatever. And I feel stressed, I feel anxious, or whatever, right? But it's just saying, Well, I just feel kind of worn out, hey, that gives credit where credit's due. And we're working that way down the path. Because a lot of people understand it's a habit. I've been so guarded for the rest of my life all the whole time, where it's going to be a while before I feel comfortable enough, where there's trust, where there's this feeling of hey, of certainty, that if I, if I share something, that you're not going to judge me, that I'm in a safe place that there is no, there's no harm going to be, I want to protect myself.

And I think that's what I find so interesting is, the reality is why we don't open up and share this stuff is because we want to protect ourselves. But we have to just feel and understand that this person. And that's why there's discernment, right? This person, this group, this, this individual, they're there to love me, and not judge me and protect me. So when that person is in a situation where they are authentic and vulnerable, this is the way you respond to that is extremely important. Because now what happens is you have two choices. And we hear this one, you can sit there and oh my gosh, I didn't know you struggle with that. That's horrible, you know, now all of a sudden their judgement. Or you can say, hey, thanks so much for sharing that. I really do appreciate that kind of caught me off guard. There are certain conversations I did not have with my ex-wife at the time. And the reason why is that I didn't want to put her in that situation. I needed to go to a therapist or a counsellor or someone because, in that position, that's what they should have unpacked, had that conversation had that dialogue. My wife is not in this situation. My mom's not in that situation. My dad's not in that situation to discuss those deeper things. Does that make sense? And so that's why it's like having those relationships now.

Coming to being intentional, which I find very interesting. And again, I was married previously, however, with any future relationship that I have, I take this kind of business structure almost to the relationship in my relationships with my mom, my dad, my family, whoever. And what does this look like? Well, I always find this very interesting because in business we always talk about, like, you know, weekly cadences with our team and engaging with our team and culture. And this is what I found so interesting. We're always on top of that, right? Where like, okay, hey, do you feel comfortable? Do you? Do you feel energetic? Do you like working here, etc, right? They ask these questions, but we never actually do that with our marriage or our relationship with our mom or dad, what I mean by this is, so many times you say, hey, you know, what? I? What do I value in life? Right? Identify what you value. And as a couple, right, or as mom and dad or whoever, right? What do you value? Trust? Okay, you know, intentionality, loyalty, honesty, right? Those things. But then you have to ask yourself, how does that person interpret trust? How does that person interpret a lot of it?

Ela   
What does it mean to them? Right?

Christian   
 Yeah, correct. Correct. And what I found very interesting, because if you ask that question, we have our own interpretation, of trust, interpretation of honesty, interpretation of, you know, what, yeah, whatever. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And so what happens a lot of times is we're never able to actually get aligned with that. So then what I did was I created, like an Excel spreadsheet, this sounds super, super weird. But I create an Excel spreadsheet. And basically what I did was put those specific values down. But then I was able to put in the definition of like, this is what, you know, like spending time, for example, you know, I just wanted to spend time together.

But as you know, Ella, you and I, we have different ways of, hey, what does that look like? Some people just want to just watch a movie together and be cool. Some people want to have a very intelligent and intellectual conversation to feel valued. And there's like, now I feel like we spent time together. Does that make sense? Yeah, just like just dependent upon that one specific thing. And so it's very interesting, because of the guy's head. It goes, Oh, I am spending time with this person. And the woman's head, she's like, No, no, he's not. But we're watching movies together, we're going out and doing sports together, we're going hiking, no, in her head, maybe she wanted XYZ, whatever it is, right? And so you have to really identify and get clear on it. Again, building a relationship.

Now the whole goal I want you to I want people to understand is it's not to be the person that has to jump through all these hurdles to make them feel like spending time or feel trust, or trust or whatever it is to be able to align yourself. It's the same thing when it's like personality difference, right? It's the same thing in business. If this person is more analytical, more so than feeling base, I'm going to adjust my vernacular and my maybe my presentation to make sure it fits that person's need. Does that make sense? And it's the same way. It's not it not manipulation? It's not? It's, it's not, it's nothing but aligning yourself, and building a stronger, deeper relationship, making sure that you're hitting what they desire. Does that make sense? And so that's what I found very interesting. And so it's the same thing with like, my mom, or my dad, etc. And when you start realizing, like, Oh, I didn't know when I said XYZ. So then, let's, let's step back for a second. So let's take a look at trust, okay, or feelings or whatever. Okay, so we're spending time. And what I do is on a Sunday, you ask him, Hey, did you feel like we spent enough time together? And they say, on a scale of one to 10? Yes or no? Right? And they said, No, then what happens? You ask yourself, what? What did you What did we do this week, that didn't make you feel like we spent enough time together? Well, it felt really busy. It felt this, I really feel like we were able to connect and really, you know, have a strong deep conversation Exactly. Right. So you are able to identify the reason why I do this on a weekly basis?

One, it only takes 10 or 15 minutes. But secondly, also, it doesn't. It's not in a situation where all of a sudden, two months down the road, you get this huge argument. And all this other garbage comes up an argument. You're like, I didn't know this was bothering you. I didn't even know this was even a situation. And the thing is, so many people are in that situation because we don't do this. Does that make sense? It's just, it's just, yeah, it's just been intentional about this. But it's so funny because it's about clarity and identifying it and saying, Oh, I didn't know that that was bothering you. So if we're able to solve that situation on a weekly basis, say, oh, Ella, I thought we were spending time together. But oh, you want this and this and this? You don't feel like we spent time together. Okay, then how can we make sure that we do that next week, right? And it's just what happens it allows you to get out of the emotional state, and allows yourself to think logically and say, okay, hey, what can we do to perform? Now you have to understand it comes with humility. You have to come to the conversation humble. So so many people struggle with pride and arrogance itself, where that pride and arrogance kind of trickles in and then there's just you need to make sure you ensure humility throughout this conversation. But I know I kind of talked a little bit about but I want to just build that foundation a little bit.

Ela   
Yeah, perfect. I love what you said. Wow. If only more than more men were as intentional as you are when it comes to the quality of The connection that would I think there'll be far fewer divorces in the robot in the world. But I want to mention two things. I think with these two things we are talking about here or maybe more. The two things that sprang to my mind are how society and by society I mean, globally, how will you raise young boys? Do we, I feel that as a woman, who's also a mother, I feel like there isn't enough emphasis on expressing our feelings and emotions or giving children, young boys permission from a young age to express their feelings express their emotions. And we're kind of perhaps some of us more consciously than others are building this by raising our young boys having this expectation or this training, to toughen up from young age and not show when they struggle with something not admit openly that they might be feeling low, and so on. And what that causes, from a psychological point of view is it causes loads of those feelings and emotions to be repressed. Right?

So I've seen from some of my male colleagues and male friends, that there are loads of this, like, underlying this satisfaction, slash frustration in life in some of them in some of the men that I know. And it's like you said, sometimes, all it takes is having the ability to ask them, How was your day? How are you feeling today? Or what Tell me about your day, what happened? Because I feel that for women, there is far less problem to open up and talk about, Oh, guess what happened, the moment they come into the house, they, they're telling you the whole story, well, who they bumped into what happened, whereas with man, especially when the day wasn't so positive, wasn't perhaps great. They need a little bit of encouragement and a little bit of attention and listening especially from us women, I find that's one thing I wanted to point out that perhaps socially, we need to work a little harder to raise children, especially boys believing that they are allowed to, it is okay to feel low at times, it is okay to feel demotivated, it is okay to make mistakes. And it is okay to look for help or someone to talk to or a therapist. So that's one thing.

And another thing I feel that there is, especially in romantic relationships, I think we are also often so guilty of falling into this routine, this trap of like this, old unhealthy habits, which is often manifesting itself as becoming a bit lazy in the relationship, doing the things we want to do, instead of checking what the other person would like to do together, for example, or that that complacency kicks in, and that those unhealthy habits kick in, and, and also the weirdest of all expectation that the other person is supposed to read your mind and know exactly what you wanted to do, what you want to do, and why and when. And I've seen that from my work with people and in my own life to a certain extent. And friends very often, I've observed that women get really upset when their partner didn't know that she was she wanted to do something else. Or she actually in fact needed help with something else. Or she just needed him to listen and give her a hug as opposed to giving advice. Right. And I think that that stems that comes down to communication.

And I just want to very briefly talk about this communication because I think it's a super important valuable skill for all of us. Having strong communication skills can actually prevent or solve so many problems. Can you think of a situation or an event in your life or, or a person that makes you realize that perhaps you need it in order to build better relationships with people? Do you need to communicate more effectively?

Christian   
Yeah, really good question. Yeah, really, really, really solid question. What I finally come down to is discernment. And what I mean by this is like, you know, and kind of looping around on your philosophy or thought processes in regards to you know, kids and raising men of the next generation. It's like having that discernment, to know when to stand up, be strong, be confident, but then also be vulnerable, right? Those are, those are kind of conflicting in nature. But then what happens? You have to be both at the same time, it's the same thing with leaders, right? You have to be strong and, and courageous, but also be authentic and soft, right? And it's discernment when you have to know when to have that conversation, that dialogue with your team or your members or your C suite, whatever. It does the same thing.

Ela 
Execute that part? Right?

Christian 
Communicate? Yes, exactly. So to answer your question, I remember one time, it was this. It was my ex-wife at the time, and we were high school sweethearts at this time. And I remember numerous times she would say, she had a very sharp tongue. And I never really understood why she would just get mad at me for certain things, she would be in this emotional state. And then I started realizing very quickly, because then, of course, I would be defensive. And I would say some nasty things that would almost escalate naturally, I think everybody's been in that situation. But then what happened was, I pulled back myself and I started thinking logically right, the emotional brain started calming down, I start to think logically, like, oh, wait, I realize why is she getting mad? Is it because something I've said is because it's something I did? No, with, actually, because she had a really bad day. And I started putting it into a bigger context. And apparently, she had a bad day she came in, and what she needed right off the bat was just a hug, right? And embrace, because then what would happen, it was, you know, leave herself from the work or whatever happened here to say this is there's something new here. And then what happened is she got soft, relaxed, you know, just nice and chill. But if I came in, and let me just explain to this, and I think a lot of this has happened numerous times I've heard stories, is the husband comes in and looks at the wife, it's like, well, this is all dirty in here, right? Or vice versa, or something like that. And guess what that makes you feel? That's the first words that you say, and that's really just pieces. Anybody? All right. And I think, again, we put this into kind of a funny situation. But I think it's so important because I think men we Yes, we do go work is definitely women, women, you guys go out there and work as well. And there are these high expectations of everybody, but it's just a matter of communicating just, you know, like authenticity.

And, again, like, this is where it's just having that conversation, that dialogue and just, you know, being appreciative of that person, and gratitude, but even always coming back to this situation I remember. And so ever since then, I started being you know, being able to say, okay, hey, it's not about me, it's that situation is not about me, she's not saying these things to hurt me destroy me. Because that's arrogant and pride that's coming in humbly and saying, oh, no, what she needs is a hug. And then it was able to solve with us down. And now we're able to have this conversation, this dialogue, right? Or whatever, and say, Hey, how's your day? Oh, it's actually really bad. Well, I can tell what happened, right? And having that conversation, it's not about me, it's not Oh, well, you know, what, you know, blah, blah, blah, and all this stuff. And so I found that very interesting, because then all of a sudden, I was able to put that into context, I was able to get myself out of the situation. And it wasn't, you know, again, arrogance and pride sneak in so many different avenues, if you just come in humbly with the conversation. Also, I remember numerous times when I would actually say certain things, and I remember this, I actually had a really tough conversation with my dad one time. And I told him offline, I said, Dad, when you say XYZ, it makes me feel like ABC. And what helped me do that then was he's like, Oh, I didn't know that. And what was interesting is we do this with our parents a lot, because we just, we almost have just a, what's the, what's the wording, I forget, almost like a, we just put up with it because they're my parents, whatever. But we never maybe share with them and say, hey, now the thing is, though, if someone if you share that with them, and they do not correct the behaviour, acknowledge that and ask them why are you not correcting the behaviour? After I just told you that it makes me feel like shit when you say XYZ? Well, because you know, you're a little baby. Okay, well, guess what you have to do this way, you have to have the right boundaries and systems to remove them from your life, or at least put the right boundaries and systems now, if they don't respect that, then obviously then that you're in a tougher situation and you need you need to get assistance in that, whether it's a coach or consultant or another mentor that can help you facilitate that because that's very contextual. But I would say that that's, that is what I would do.

I've done in my own life being intentional, but also really, I always love to put it contextually. I think it's so interesting because this is one of the reasons why when I was married, I was very everybody always says Never go sleep angry, you know? And to me, like never go to bed, you know, angry or whatever. Me, I actually find this to me, I would rather go to bed angry. And the reason why is because the next morning, that emotion is calm down. And now you're thinking logically because the last thing you want to do is be in a situation where there's all emotion because you say you do and you've you think emotionally and you're not thinking logically and you'll get yourself in trouble. You start saying stupid things. You start thinking different things you start you know, you know what, you're not even worth this bowl. What and you've never, and you have to understand definitely a relationship, whether it's your mom, whether it's your dad, whether it's a business, whether it's whatever, right, you'll never be able to stop the things that are coming out of your mouth unless you really just say, hey, you know, I'm going to remove myself from the situation until I can think properly, the emotion comes down, and I come back into this situation, say you, and I do this all the time, some people will actually get really frustrated when I do this, I just, I don't shut down. But I just say, Hey, I'm going to remove myself from the situation because I know whatever I'm gonna say next, is not going to be valuable for this whole situation. So I'm going to remove myself until we come back together.

Now, what I found very interesting in and also business, because I always like to talk about business, because it kind of it correlates directly into relationships as well and you know, in your and your family, etc. But in business, I remember there was a, there was a there was, I always love this, because, again, having that discernment, right? There was a time when someone I could tell in my meeting, they were just broken down, they were just in a situation. Now I knew because I read the room, I was able to say, hey, you know what I came in soft, but then also raise their expectation, hey, you know what, I understand some of what's going on because you're not performing like you normally do. And I see you're very valuable. You're very ambitious, you know, person, what's going on. And then they were able to open up and be authentic and vulnerable and share, there were some things at home, that were preventing kind of not the success that they wanted. Okay, I understand, let's go ahead and work through that just takes a few days, right? And that was contextual. And there's another person where I had, they came in very arrogant, very prideful, and I knew that they weren't performing to the level that they were. And I said, Hey, man, you, you need to, you need to check your attitude. And I came in a little harsh, a little difficult, a little frustrated, and I kept them accountable. And I said, You're the leader of the team, and you're not performing what you should be doing. And I'm actually very disappointed in you. Now the thing was, is that's contextual, I couldn't say that to this other person. Because guess what they were in a situation, I had to read that, that conversation, how to read that, that environment, and realize I couldn't say those harsh things to that person because they're not in a situation where they that would hurt them, or that actually helped them. And this other person, I could see that because contextually, I knew that that was the right environment, to say those things. So as the leader, as the person that is having these conversations, you have to determine, right?

It's an art and science, you have to determine the communication style, right? Having that conversation, that dialogue. And I see this with moms and dads, as well as you know, your kids, or even like, in fact, it was so funny I was we went to a restaurant the other day, and there was this kid that was crying. And the dad said, you're embarrassing me, you're embarrassing me. Now, again, I will stop. But I didn't want to get involved, right there that showed me that it wasn't about what she was struggling with. It was about him. Again, arrogance and pride, You are embarrassing me, you're making me and it's not about you, you have to understand that. Like, that's one of the biggest things you have to understand, okay? And what I find interesting is, you also say certain things, and that person interprets it, maybe not the way and the context. We see this in business all the time, hey, go do XYZ and this time, blah, blah, blah. And they didn't put any like, you know, kind of structure around it. Well, then they go out there and do it and in their way. And they bring back like, Oh, that's not exactly what I was expecting. Right? The expectation is slightly off. What's the same thing with you know, in relationships, you have to build a structure around them and say, Well, you know, I think women do this a lot. It's like, hey, when you're talking to your I was, I was actually in a conversation with a woman. And she was like, you know, I was kind of giving you hints and the texting and whatever about, you know, picking up this, whatever. I said, just don't give me hints, just tell me, right? Be very direct, because I'm a very direct person. And I'd rather that than having this like, oh, maybe if we could that? No, no, I want you to just tell me directly and have a conversation. Cool. Because there are so many times when there's just miscommunication. And that just destroyed, as you mentioned, destroys the whole thing. But in order to eliminate miscommunication, it's about being clear and asking questions. And that's one of the things that articulate questions. Hey, but I do feel that.

Ela 
if I could just stop you for one second, I think it's also having the ability to listen, because so many of us ask a question, and they don't. And we don't have the patience to let the other person speak until the end until the moment they are finished. Instead, many of us are waiting to speak waiting for an opportunity. We ask a question, and we are waiting for our turn to speak instead of really listening and that ability to listen and understand another person's point of view on anything. Is this emotional intelligence, exactly what you're talking about, I just wanted to highlight that, that listening and being able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person, and I often say put your ego in the pocket You know, it can really work miracles, both in business and, and in personal lives.

Christian
And I appreciate you sharing this as well, because, you just mentioned ego, put your ego aside, because this is where this is really tough when I had a conversation with my wife, and when I was struggling with pornography at this time, and she looked at me straight and said, Christian, I do not want to have kids with you, until you get this all situated. Now that is tough, to be vulnerable to be authentic. But then I needed to hear that truth. And that truth, sometimes that sinks in, but the ones that love you, and the ones that are closest to you will say these things for your benefit, not for theirs, and they're not doing it to hurt you. They're doing it because they love you. And they want you to fix that they want to help you etc. Right? And so as men as women, we may think that comes across as Oh, you know what, you know, that was harsh. That was judgmental? No, sometimes you have to just, again, right, interpreting that the right way? How did they mean that? Why did they mean it, some people mean it harshly, I understand. But I knew in a contextual situation, that she meant it in a loving way. And I knew that I needed to get that situated. So again, just having that deep conversation as well. And like what you mentioned, make sure that you're listening and listening properly.

Ela
Wonderful, great. I have to say, I'm quite impressed with your emotional intelligence. And I mean that. I don't just say that because we are recording this. But I think having the emotional intelligence that you're describing the ability to put yourself in the shoes of another person, the ability to listen, the ability to empathize, the ability to take a step back, when the situation is getting heated up, or discussion gets heated up, and you feel like speaking out, you're gonna, you're not going to add value by reacting. But instead, you choose to take a step back, remove yourself from the situation, and look at everything with fresh eyes. And that is what makes men great leaders, as well as great partners in a romantic setting, right? Because many, many of you are busy businessmen, there are many busy guys watching this and out there in the world. And so often we feel both men and women, feel lost in our relationships with people.

So often we feel that we don't understand the other person or we don't get them or we don't know how how to build a connection with them. And I think sometimes if we just accept that what we're hearing is not like you said, it's not about us, but it's about them. It's about having a difficult day, it's about their mom being ill, there's something that there's always a backstory, right? Whenever we meet someone in any situation, it could be a business meeting, it could be a managerial meeting, you could be telling off an employee or you could be speaking to your country there's always a backstory that we don't know about something that's happening in their life. I've seen somewhere a quote, everybody's fighting their battle. So be kind, everybody's been fighting their battle you know nothing about. So be kind.

And there's always that context that is worth understanding in order to build a better connection with a person and have a stronger bond. So that gets me to my next question, which is, can you think of a relationship that has really helped you reach your goals professionally? Can you think of a person that has really motivated you to believe in yourself and set goals and really go and get them? And can you describe a little bit about that? That will be really interesting to hear.

Christian
Yeah, definitely, I would say there were numerous mentors or individual individuals that would feed into me. And one of the things after podcasting for many, many, many, many months now, is really being able to build incredible relationships and connections with amazing people. And sometimes they don't know that they have fed into me. But by interviewing and asking them questions, it's, you know, it's been, it's been really, really quite remarkable because you're able to learn from others that have, you know, relatively close to your same situation or whatever. And so, to answer your question, I remember this is one individual, where it was so interesting. I won't mention his name, but, he felt the same situation. I was in a situation where financially we were doing about $100,000 a month in our business and the next next day, all the merchant accounts that were processing, our payments stopped, and all the money was stopped. And in that situation, it wasn't a lot of money. But at that time in my business, it was detrimental like I needed that money to pay for everything I need. I need yesterday's bills, uh, yesterday's sales to pay today's bills. Does that make sense? That's what the situation. So when that happened, I was like, Oh, crap. And I reached out to the guy that was in the same situation many years ago. And he's like, this is how I did it. This is what I did. This is how I unpacked it.

And what was so beautiful about this is, are the authenticity and the vulnerability he shared. He says, Man, you are capable of this, you are a winner, you're going to achieve greatness, you're going to do good. But you have to do this, these first things, it's going to suck. It's gonna be horrible right now. But you go through it for a few months, and you will achieve and you will be stronger because of this. It was so incredible because in that situation when you are down, and you do have just blood and you're wounded, and all this stuff, it just feels horrible. And you'll feel shamed feel guilty because you didn't anticipate this and as a leader, you have responsibilities and all that stress, right that comes with it. To have someone believe in you and say those things when you were in that situation, gave me enough hope it gave me enough belief in myself that said, You know what I am, this is possible, I can just one day one step one thing at a time. And obviously, we were able to get through that, of course. And it was a tough situation. However, though, because of that, now, I make sure whoever I worked with in merchant accounts that, you know, that's all clear and good to go and so forth.

But it's just interesting, sometimes you look back at it. But again, I had numerous relationships. And what was so incredible, is to me, I look at this holistically. One of the reasons why I love business is because people come into business humbly. They don't come into, religion, humbly. Everybody thinks they know everything. The same thing to politics, they think they know everything and everything. But business people come in humbly what I love about businesses, is when they have enough, when you have like a seed of humility, in one aspect, it floods into other aspects. And what I find so interesting is we're able to then Converse not only about business, but then, you know, became spiritual, and then you know, religious and, and being able to talk politics as well and be able to just facilitate like a middle holistic, but also relationships. And, you know, when when I was in a situation where that was very detrimental not only in my business but also my relationship with my wife at the time.

You know, I had that conversation and dialogue, and I came to him and, you know, unexpected response the way he mentioned it, but it was just it was very beautiful. And I think one of the things that I found very interesting is when you truly are in hurting, there's like no other option than to go out and seek help and ask for help. And you have to, you have to have the discernment to decide who you're going to ask for help. Right. And from WHO. And we hear that all the time. But the biggest thing is, that's why the network is so important. Yeah. Because if you don't have a powerful network, then I would not have been able to ever been able to reach out to that person, I just email Hey, can I just touch can I just connect with you? I've got a big situation going on. He's like, Yeah, let's talk. And you know, became a very, very beautiful relationship later on. And it's the same thing with, with my family, with my people, and in my own life. And very interesting because as you start building a stronger relationship with these people, whether it's your mom, your dad, or maybe you've had a terrible situation with your mom or dad, again, when I found out I was talking to someone, actually that had a really estranged relationship with their mom and dad, they would go to Christmas and Thanksgiving, they would just do all the typical things. But they had a strange relationship. I'm fortunate that I don't have that strange relationship. But with them, they were situations I would ask them, you know, did you be able to confront them on certain things? They're like, Yeah, we did. But they never changed. And they said, Well, you can't control that. You can't control their response, you've if your mom or dad are still working through their own story, you cannot control that. You have to give them grace, you have to give them some sort of tolerance in that you have to tolerate that a little bit. Because the biggest thing is, the only thing you can control is the same.

I talked about this in our TEDx speech. It's like, when you do something terrible to someone, all you can say is I'm sorry, I can't know if they're going to forgive me. I don't know if they're going to, you know, respond in the way that I want them to. And I think that's really what it comes down to relationships, there's going to be a point where intentionally or unintentionally, you destroy that trust, you're going to destroy that relationship. It's not like you do it purposefully. Sometimes you just do it, you lie to me cheat, you steal whatever it is, however, though, the only biggest thing you can do is sometimes say I'm sorry, that's all I can. And you have to anticipate that they will always respond the way that they want you to. They won't just forgive you right off the bat. There's still going to have to be some repair something that has to be established to say, well, you destroyed this trust. I know I did. So what can I do? How can I facilitate a better trust, you know, we'll go to therapy, go to this, go to that, right, whatever it is and be able to rebuild that? And sometimes, once it's broken, it's able to regrow at a stronger capacity. We've heard that numerous times as well. Now, I know we kind of talk a little bit about a lot there. But I just want to mention a few of those things there.