How to Build Emotional Resilience in Men?

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• How to manage your mental health as a male entrepreneur?
• Cultivating healthy habits to boost resilience in men 

HELPFUL  LINKS

• About the Host  - Ela Senghera 
• Speak to Me - Book Here
• Get Free Brochure  - Be True You in Your Relationship
• Audiobook - Finding Love
• Parenting Book (2nd Edition) - Teach Your Kids to Build a Positive Self-Image
• About the Guest - Duval Middleton

Transcript

Ela: Hi Duval. How are you doing today? 

Duval: I'm very well, thank you. And yourself? 

Ela: Good! Thank you. Glad to have you on the show. Thank you for your time and thank you for coming. 

Duval: You're welcome. 

Ela: Today we'll talk about emotional resilience in man. I'm sure many of us agree this is an important topic and one that is worth discussing.

What does emotional resilience mean to you, or what is resilience in general? 

Duval: Resilience in general for me is someone who has the capability of continuously picking himself up, moving forward and consistently moving on a journey that is not scripted for you. And having the courage and the strength to be able to manoeuvre on that journey and not waver.

There have been times, there have been times where you know, as a rollercoaster they use that example rollercoaster. Yeah. You're really up. And then there are times when you're really down. Yeah. It's the times when you are down, that is the time when that resilience kicks in. Kicks in, Yeah. And it gives you A sense of courage and belief and a fire that essentially not all have and not all are able to tap into that to be able to pick themselves up and to keep moving.

Ela: Yeah, perfectly explained actually. And how do you think we, how did you build your resilience? How does one build resilience? 

Duval: That's a good question. I think resilience is built and tends well for me. I'm gonna just talk for myself. Yeah, sure. I think,, my resilience has been built up because of the many setbacks that I have had.

You know, my biggest setback. Was from a young age, you know, my brother was murdered. Oh. And that for me was a pivotal moment on whether I'd decided to go down that route of the bad boy, you know, gang knife crime, gun crime, those types of things. This typical stereotype that people like me essentially can go through.

 I find something and I find something that I love and I enjoy and I persevere and I push through that with resilience. 

Ela: So it's that purpose, right? It's finding that purpose in life and that that passion is something you're passionate about. Absolutely. And you want to focus your mind on that as opposed to falling into a pattern of negative behaviour.

Yes, that could bring lots of problems for you and your family. Well done. That's, I think that's such a practical and great description of what resilience means. And more specifically one that is according to you. And can you tell us, so we started talking about that, but can you actually tell us who you are and what is it that you do on daily basis?

Duval: Sure, Sure, sure. So my name is Duval Middleton and I am the founder and inventor of Gummy Pod. Gummy Pod is chewing gum packaging with an integrated chewing gum bin. As a part of my resilience, I work part-time for British Gas a, as a gas engineer. My background. Was in architecture. So I studied design and technology in college, and then I went to university to study architectural design which I did three years graduated and I was working in many different architectural firms across London. One of the notable projects I was working on was the Aquatic Center in Stratford, in the Olympic Park. And that was with Zaha Hadid's office. So my background rooted is in design and technology, but I had a real underlying passion for designing products and the education in my design has obviously helped me to be, to take criticism.

Which is some things, as a part of resilience, not many people can take very well. So yeah, so it's helped me significantly in that journey. 

Ela: Fantastic. So I think. It's fair to say that we live in a crazy world. It feels to me like every day it's becoming crazier than the day before almost.

Perhaps that's a little bit negative. But I think we live in a world where it's so easy to lose yourself. Mm. And, that is for many different reasons. And I think that's both for men and women. It's so easy to be confused. As a young man let's talk about men, for a minute. I think it's very easy to be confused about, A, what you want to do in life. B, how to get there, how to find the resources or the resilience to get there. And it's so easy to find a shortcut and do something else that is less fulfilling, makes you less happy, but perhaps brings money faster, right? Mm-hmm. . Yeah, and it's, and it's. So, so difficult to find that purpose and find the perseverance and determination and the self-belief inside you.

With the confidence inside you, the self-confidence and self-belief day, you can do it. Mm. It's also obviously much easier when we have someone in our lives that believes in it. And gives us that extra support, that part on the back. And I want to ask you, what helped you believe in yourself that you can do this?

So let's say you had that first original idea in your head about your product, what you want to do, and what micro steps did you take to make it happen? 

Duval: So the micro steps that I'd taken along this journey was starting with a pin and a paper. Mm-hmm. , that was for me. I go through a lot of, books and sketchbooks because essentially I need to take the ideas that are in my head and bothering me and put them down onto paper.

Yeah. And once I've managed to start, with that, even if it was notes or drawings or sketches, I was able. Work on those and go back to it Fit pages and like, Oh yeah, oh this. Yeah, what was I trying to do with this? And keep developing it. Keep developing it. But in terms of the pure will to be able to see things through.

 That I have to, I have to put it out there is, you know, that, that, that's God, I mean that's God's work essentially because I've had to like, call upon Kim when there are times when I don't have anybody to pat on my shoulder or to praise me for what I'm doing. I've had many things go against me on this journey. That there was no one to be, no one around me to encourage me. So that self-belief, that self. And plus me being, having the capability of drawing and sketching has really helped me significantly to take things that are bothering me in my head. And being able to put it down. 

Ela: Mm, yes, there is.

I understand there is a big value in journaling as well, so obviously you are an architect and a designer and a creator, and writing and drawing come to you naturally, but it's worth remembering that we don't need to be. An author or a published author or a writer in order to have our own journal. And there is a huge, there's mountain of scientific research that shows that writing our thoughts down really helps us process them.

Ah, So and this is something that psychologists often recommend, and it's something I practice as often as I can. Okay? We, we all have, we all have that really critical part in our mind that the part of us that criticizes us, the critical inner. And at least it's, it's being able to, to put that voice too, to silence it, to put it to peace, and actually focus on the doing, not the thinking.

Yes. That sometimes, sometimes in life brings the best results. Why do I talk about this? I talk about this because many people have heard about meditation. Many people are perhaps practising yoga, going for walks and so on. I just want to, I just want to point out that physical activity of any form, any form of physical activity will silence that inner voice.

 Maybe not completely. But it'll help gain perspective thinking and thinking. Especially sitting at home in front of the computer thinking the whole day is not good for us. Whether we are a student, whether we are an engineer, whether we are a psychologist, a mom, or whoever we are, we need that. and especially people like you who are on their entrepreneurial journey. 

And perhaps, or perhaps students who have big dreams and want to create something really special. Something that can bring value to many people. I think everybody needs to remember that. Getting out of your thinking, brain thinking minds. Connecting with your heart through physical activities, being outside, walking around in the park, or sketching something is super helpful too, to actually, and, and it's proven to create better resilience as well.

Duval: Absolutely. Can I just follow on from that? 

Ela: Sure. 

Duval: Essentially that is, Most of the stuff that you said is most of the stuff that I do. Yeah, the exercising I. Haven't been cycling a lot recently, cause the weather's kind of changing at the moment. But more so the resilience, like for me, cycling and saying that I'm gonna ride to, let's say Liverpool Street.

By the time you get halfway into your journey, your brain is starting to tell you, Nah, you can't make it. Come on. You can't make it. And that overrides in. Thought you can't make it. And actually, it's getting harder, but I need to still keep pushing. Keep pushing. Yeah. You're constantly having to remind yourself that that is building up that mental resilience in terms of taking walks, I'm.

I'm what they call a loner-type character. So I go for a walk by myself. Yeah, in the forest or, or around the park, or I go and feed the ducks. Little things like that. Being in touch with nature can significantly, significantly help you like being around. Yeah, trust me, hearing the trees whistle and blow your senses become heightened, and if you can tap into those senses that we've been blessed with, you know, you'll find that mental resilience to know that you know, We are all one.

Do you know? So, yeah, absolutely. 

Ela: I love, I love what you're saying. It's all super relevant, and it's all that I practice as well. I think also worth pointing out very briefly before moving to the next question Sure. Yeah. Is that our mind is actually there to protect us from. And wow, that's beautiful.

And many people don't see it like that. Put that one down. If, if we write, if we are sorry if we study how the brain works, how our minds work or if we read anything about it, we will quickly realize and find literature that says, Our mind is there to protect us from danger and taking risks. So building up from that, that means our brain.

Our mind prevents us from taking opportunities. Mm. So think about it. Yeah. If our brain prevents us from taking risks because it reminds us of the last time we failed mm-hmm. , it's essential to quiet that mind down and do what we really want to do. So this is something I, thought it's valid and it's worth pointing out.

Duval: Very, very, very.

Ela: Thank you so much. Let's go back to talking about resilience in men for a second Duval. What do you think, So this is clearly a super important topic. We all know that. What do you think prevents men from? Seeking help when they need help. What is it about their mind, the way that their mind works or their body works?

Or from your perspective, I know you perhaps weren't in that situation, but just imagine if you're feeling really overwhelmed. Or really stressed out as a man. I'm sure you do on a regular basis in your job considering the amazing challenge that you're facing with your product. And we didn't even discuss the pro you have been pitching to get your products to different retailers.

And I know that because I attended the event with you, but you have some amazing successes behind you and no doubt you have challenges on a daily basis where that critical inner voice kicks in, where perhaps you're not feeling physically super strong. How do you, what do you do and what do you think?

So you discussed the nature element of that, which was great, and the physical exercise, but what do you? From your perspective stops men from picking themself up and going and looking for support? Is it the pride in them or is it fear of judgment? 

Duval: That is a good question and I will be completely honest with you.

It's something that I'm still trying to comprehend and work out now, but so far what I am feeling myself and how. Picking up on this myself, and I look at things very open-mindedly. Men are going through one of the hardest times, and I'm not, and this is nothing to do with me blaming women in any capacity.

 Just, I'm gonna put that there. But I think men are going through one of the hardest times right now because men's roles are really challenging. Because the empowerment of women now has been fascinating and it's been amazing, to witness and see. Yeah. But now the strength of the woman has now rattled some men. So all I was basically explaining was the fact that that shift now men have been rattled by that and essentially a lot of men have lost their focus and losing what they feel is their role as being a man. Cause now you know, Have so much that they want to stand for and you know, they get challenged now and you know, it's now acceptable and so it should be.

But men have not been able to adapt as quickly as women and, from someone who has been brought up in a household with predominantly women as I didn't have a father figure. That's another thing as well. I don't, I, I, for me, I haven't been, I was partially raised with a father, but then it fell apart, and then I don't have a father around me, and a lot of men that I've gone to school with and grown up with, they've never had a father around them.

So they've been taught how to be a man by a female, and there's nothing wrong with that. If the men were present. 

Ela: Would it be a different story? Completely different story. And, and thank you for sharing that. It's a very private and personal story. But I've also read somewhere kind, I think actually it was Dr Matte in the book called Hold Onto Your Kids that he mentions the really negative effect, that lack of. Father figure has on young males. Yeah. And he discusses scientific research in detail in his book and, and actually, believe it or not, that also impacts animals, really. Animals have been like young elephants that were raised without a father.

They get into groups and they cause problems for other animals. Would you believe it? 

Duval: Do, you know, when you said elephants, they are the most majestical creatures that walk this planet.

Ela: It's interesting, isn't it? How that really affects us. Yeah. So you mentioned a super important topic, women's empowerment and, and they need them.

Men need to almost adapt quickly. Yeah. So not only be in a. Be that, especially if you have a family if your father has enough confidence and perseverance and put in enough hard work to provide for the family in a way. But also Being able to connect with their partner, with their partner whether it's a man or a woman, doesn't matter.

Have the sensitivity inside you. So it's like, it's like, it's almost like the identity crisis we are talking about, right? When men have to rethink their role in society, the role in the family, and how in the middle of all this. To find themself and be true to themself and stand up for their values and stand up for their, what they believe in, which is a challenge.

Duval: You know, It's a big challenge. It's a big challenge because then there's still the expectation that the man is supposed to be this, the man is supposed to be, that the man is supposed to be this and yeah. Yeah. So there is that. There is that definitely. But it's again, is, is being clear on your journey and what you're trying to achieve in your life as well.

Ela: And did you ever find in your life that the misconceptions about mental health and the so social stigma related to mental health were preventing you? From expressing who you really are and perhaps expressing at times how you feel, did you ever have a situation where you had to block your emotions to not show what you are really going through because of fear of judgment?

Duval: Yeah, definitely. As I said, after I lost my brother, I went into a complete blockage. I was a happy, outgoing teenager, up until that point. And I went into, you know, smoking cannabis. I went into the whole drinking and all of these things too. Take me away from this reality. The problem, the problem, the problem.

There you go. And don't get me wrong, I fought a lot of battles whilst I was high and in that state. But now after growing up and, you know, having children as well. I've begun to understand that, Hold on. You can't be doing this any more. You need to make real drastic changes and, and I think that you know, with everything that's happening around me, it is the mental health thing is something that I completely, you could never, ever tell me mental health.

In my teenage years growing up, like even when I was going through the hardest times, yeah, you could never tell me about it because I thought it was a, a way of trapping people to say, Because you've got mental health, you're suicidal, you need counselling, those type of things. You could never talk to me, but it's only up until I would say 2020 in Covid.

There was a pivotal moment when I even wanted to give up business and everything. I actually wanted to shut everything down and I went, I disappeared. Like from I, what? Physically disappeared, but I shut my phones down. No one could even get in contact with me. But that gave me that time to refocus. 

Ela: You needed a reset.

Duval: Reset, Ela. Perfect word. Yeah. 

Ela: You needed, You needed a psychological and mental reset. Yeah. Yeah. And actually so many of them. Needed that and that time when Covid happened was a perfect opportunity to do it for some of us. Yeah, I'm saying some of us, because some of us had kids to look after 24/ 7 and all that.

But I totally get it. I totally get it. And did you feel it helped you to refocus and find yourself? 

Duval: Yeah. It, it not straight away because I had a lot of health issues that were mounted on top of that. Yeah. During Covid, you know, I was, I was then diagnosed at the end of December 2020, with diabetes.

And stuff like that. So that mental resilience to overturn that, to now be clear, you know, from being type two diabetic to reversing it. Right. Well done. To manage mine. Now and stuff like that. That's that whole part of that transition. Yeah, so it was until I was literally dying on a hospital bed because I've been overworked all throughout Covid.

I was working Monday, Tuesdays to Fridays for British Gas full time because we were key workers. So I was out in the field and seeing everybody sick, everybody dying, and I was there battling through just to provide for the family and make sure everything was good. Wow. That comes at a detriment to your health.

And that reset button was, like I said, in that, in that pivotal moment where I was, I was faced with business, family, business, family. Sometimes there was just no in-between. No rest. No rest.

Ela: So, And everybody around you really anxious? Yeah, because, because the news provokes anxiety. The newspapers, you, you turn the TV on, all you hear is bad news.

You open the newspaper, and all you hear is people dying. So it's anxiety. Anxiety. I'm someone who's generally speaking, not anxious, but during covid. And I was purposely avoiding news during covid. Same because I decided for myself, I am not going to let fear control my life and media control my life and how I live in that period.

Not how I live, as in what I do, where I go, but how I live in my head, how I perceive the reality around me. I'm not gonna let that happen. So I kind of sheltered myself from that. And I, and I, luckily none of my family members got sick and I was fine, but yes, I completely get that. And what a valuable point.

And we kind of managed to merge from women empowerment into c very smoothly. But, but, I completely get it. I think it's also with regard to building mental resilience. I truly think it's, it's a role of a man as much as it's a role of a woman, and especially I think, especially personally, I think especially mothers, I mean fathers too, of course, but.

I find I'm a mom and I find that the way you raise your little boys, your sons really, and your daughters too. But talking about boys, we are talking about men today. It really shapes how they see males and females in the future. A hundred percent. And, and how they either take on. The female responsibilities or tasks, so-called female or how they don't, and I just want to say, let's remember to teach our children about those skills that let them be adaptable in the future.

And flexible. No matter whether a man or a woman, girls need to believe in themselves. More girls need to study more maths and engineering and architecture, and boys need to be more in touch with their feelings. And boys need to stop hearing that you are a man, so you can't cry. Because that's a total BS if you ask me, you know, I, I was guilty of that and, and it's, you cannot say that to a child anymore.

Like, no, let's put that to pass. We've done that for many generations in the past where we've been telling our boys, You don't cry cuz you are a man. Let's not make that mistake any longer. Men kill themselves and commit suicides every day. They're not in touch with their emotions, with their feelings. They don't know how to process and release their negative feelings from their system.

Mm. And it's our role. As in society as well as females, to support men on that journey and, and, and really encourage them. Ask, be interested. Ask them. Start a conversation. Show, some ability to listen to a man too, because sometimes it's not as easy to listen to a man as it is to listen to a woman.

Cause women talk a lot and they naturally or they tend to talk more than women and talk about their problems more. If we show some interest in how men in our lives are doing, how they're coping, sometimes you need to do a little bit of digging. Have a little bit of patience and ask some questions and show some encouragement and positivity and perhaps suggest to them, I know, look, I've been working the whole day today with the kids, but look, if you feel like you feeling you want to go to the gym and you want to go and exercise cuz it's going to help you, I'm gonna support you.

Yeah, it's, it's putting that ego into the pocket and stopping selfishness in a relationship and seeing the needs of the other person. In this instance, man. Right. What do you do for self-care and what are the final three? Tips you would give to any man who is perhaps your age or maybe feeling a bit lost or overwhelmed in life with work-life balance on not finding themselves.

What are your three top tips with regard to self-care and building that resilience? 

Duval: Three top tips for me is to be strong, courageous, and plan. Write down your ideas. Yeah. For self-care. I love massages. I don't get to do it all the time, but go and have a massage. Yeah, Alternatively, an activity that you like. Do it.

Ela: And on a regular basis, perhaps right? 

Duval: On a regular basis, if the funds can provide it, and you have availability and time within your working life and stuff like that, find that working balance as well. But go out and do an activity by yourself. I go go-kart in by. I'll happily go on and do a go-kart in track and enjoy myself because I don't like to have to rely on people me organizing.

Cause I've done that in the past, organizing events and half of them, they turn up and stuff like, no, no. 

I go out and do things. And I enjoy it for myself. Go out to eat by yourself and you'll start to really understand yourself as a man. Yes. As a female yourself. Because if you can be and enjoy your own company.

Ela: Yes. Hundred percent. And that helps you build self-knowledge. It helps you build self-awareness. Yeah, it helps you get to know yourself. Yeah. And when you get to know yourself, you are more in touch with your emotions and your feelings, and you can process them faster and understand them better and release them from your system.

So, you become resilient. So you're not dwelling on the past. And instead, you're focusing on the future. This has been fabulous. Thank you so much for doing this today. I enjoyed every minute of it and to any of you, I will include the links to Duval's LinkedIn profile and his website in the show notes below.

Thank you so much for joining today. 

Duval: Cheers. You take care, Ella. Thank you for having. 

Ela: Bye.