Creating Emotional Resilience in Men

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• What does mental wellbeing mean among men?
• Why do so many men struggle to open up?
• How can men look after their mental health and cultivate healthy habits?

HELPFUL  LINKS

• About the Host  - Ela Senghera 
• Speak to Me - Book Here
• Get Free Brochure  - Be True You in Your Relationship
• Audiobook - Finding Love
• Parenting Book (2nd Edition) - Teach Your Kids to Build a Positive Self-Image

Transcript

Ela  0:59 
Leighton, welcome to the show. How are you doing today?

Leighton  1:04 
I'm really good. Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Ela  1:06 
No problem. It's my pleasure. Leighton, if you could tell me in a few words, what is it that you do exactly? So today, we are talking about a very important topic, which is creating good mental health in man and positive mental health in man and creating healthy habits and emotional resilience/ And why is this topic so close to your heart? And what is it that you do for men? How do you help them?

Leighton  1:37 
So for me, I went through a period in my life where I was working in the corporate world, it was very stressful, and I'm suffering from anxiety and depression. And as a man, we struggle to talk about the issues that we're going through. So what I essentially do now is I work with busy men on a one-to-one basis, we look at their lifestyle, and we look at how we can implement healthy habits. And they're based on four pillars. So it's sleep, nutrition, movement, and mindfulness. So, I will look at these aspects of my client's life, and see how we can improve each of them. And for me, it's not about going all in at once it is about making little changes. Able to be used consistently.

Ela  2:36 
Yeah. Maintained on a regular basis. Right. And so that's very interesting. So the four pillars you mentioned are sleep, nutrition, physical exercise, or physical activity and mindfulness right?

Leighton  2:37
Yeah, I call it movement, because I don't want it to be associated with having to go to the gym for an hour a day. Movement can be anything, right? From walking to yoga to being in the gym.

Ela  3:05
Sure. Okay. And do you really find that it's, the improvement in men only happens only really happens when all four pillars are addressed?

Leighton  3:18 
No, it doesn't need all four. And each week, I will focus on one element at a time rather than trying to change everything in one go. I think as humans, we struggled to make massive changes in a very short amount of time. So for me, it's all about focusing on one small bit at a time. And just gradually, the idea is, is that after a certain period of time, we've changed our lifestyle so that it's consistently using these healthy habits, even if it's just for a few minutes per day.

Ela  3:51 
Sure. And before we dive into emotional resilience, specifically, what do you notice from your work with a busy man? What seems to be the most common issue that needs to be addressed in order to improve? So I understand all those four pillars are important but what it seems to be the most persistent problem that you see in your clients on regular basis?

Leighton  4:22 
I think out of those four, there isn't one particular that's the way we work. The trait that is consistent with men is that very often they don't have a safe space to be themselves and talk about their emotions and their feelings. And as men it's we've always got this from or having to be manly

Ela  4:55 
And all figured out right? You are supposed to have it all figured out. Yeah. Puts massive pressure on men from a young age, you could say.

Leighton  5:08 
So for me, there's probably scientific data behind this as well. But if we don't deal with our emotions, then they tend to come out in other ways, and often in ways that we don't want them to. So it might be somewhere in the boardroom at work, or it might be when we're at home with the family or children. And it's kind of like we bottled these emotions up. And talking about them enables us to deal with them in a safe environment and kind of notice them coming up rather than just reacting.

Ela  5:38 
That's, that's very interesting. And I have recently just written a piece of content about releasing emotions and the benefits of doing so. And I think so many people don't realize that, because so often we are told to stop crying, to not be silly, or to not be all "Don't worry, you just getting really emotional". Now, there is this negative connotation to being emotional and releasing your emotions. And in fact, you know, it happens so naturally from a young age, when we as children are being told on a regular basis, to not cry, or to behave ourselves. And we are almost supposed to fit into that pattern of behaviour, right? That suits everybody else, but not us at the time.

And I think parents do it, subconsciously, they don't realize that by telling their child to stop crying, or snap out of it. And they are not doing them any favours, actually. But you are mentioning a very important point here about releasing those emotions and about letting, letting them ignore what's really important as well I find that you have to acknowledge how you feel, you have to acknowledge it, and you have to think about it, and you have to sit with that emotion. And then so you can release it out of your system, you will not be able to release it out of your system if you don't process it. And I think that might that might be that part of the process that many people find quite uncomfortable because some emotions, we feel there's such a big variety of them, right? There is there's anger, there is sadness, there is rage, there is jealousy, there's happiness, there's joy. There's such a huge range.

And so many events that we participate in, are often acting as triggers for us to think in a certain way first, and then what goes with it experience an emotion or a feeling, right? So the event happens first, something happens, and we have certain thoughts related to that event. And suddenly we have certain emotions related to that. And it's often so uncomfortable. And it's so unpleasant, that we try to distract ourselves from it. But the true strength and power lie in the ability to sit with that emotion and feel it no matter how uncomfortable it is. And perhaps try to understand "Why am I experiencing this? Why am I feeling like this right now? Is there a reason?" And perhaps there is an emotion that keeps coming back. Right?

So often in our life, we experience the same emotions in the same situations. And it's crucial that we learn why they keep coming back. But anyway, um, I could write a lecture or have electric, really passionate about the topic, as you've noticed. But I do think this is super relevant to men though, which is why I'm talking about this length. Because like you said yourself, the inability to express emotions and talk when something bothers you is for so many men and unhealthy habits, right?

Leighton  9:34 
Well, it's ingrained into us. We shouldn't show these emotions. And I remember I think I must have been about 13 when my dad said to me, "Stop crying. You're a man now, men don't cry". And it's kind of like that is in you subconsciously. And I guess it's a generational thing as well spoken about now. It's becoming more acceptable for men to talk about their emotions and their feelings and but it's still ingrained into us from a very young age. And it's not until we start seeking help from therapists or we meet other men who are more open-minded to speaking about things like that, that we then can start feeling a bit more comfortable. And then feeling these emotions, having a cry every now and then.

Ela  10:22 
Exactly. We didn't mention this. But often what happens when we don't? In order to distract ourselves from negative emotions, we fall into a pattern of behaviour or a habit, as you said, and it could be anything but very often these addictions, as we call them, or not, they can persist for years. And for men, alcohol is a very common one, right? Unfortunately. But then can you tell me so today we're talking about emotional resilience? Can you tell me what is your definition of emotional resilience? What does that mean to you?

Leighton  11:05 
So for me, resilience is about bouncing back. Emotion is, I would describe the feedback response from our body, in the sense that while we feel it in our mind, our body will absorb it. And when we talk about emotional resilience, I think men, in general, are very resilient, and they will cover things up, and they'll have this mentality of let's keep going, I can deal with this. But when it comes to emotional resilience, perhaps rather than actually dealing with the emotion, they just compartmentalize it or cover it with something else. So they're not actually dealing with it. So while they're being resilient, and getting on with what they need to do, is not necessarily their -

Ela  12:05 
They are not processing their emotions. And by doing that, they're not in touch with who they truly are as a human, as a man. So they are moving away from their dreams and their goals, right, subconsciously not realizing it.

Leighton  12:24 
Yeah, absolutely. And it's kind of they, they, we, we will then think we know what we want to do because we've got a target in our mind, but without dealing with that emotion, or that the stress or the whatever came up really no like you say what our desires are. And I think then we become very easily influenced by our surroundings, and by society in terms of what we were going after, and what we want to achieve instead of what we truly want. Deep down.

Ela  13:05 
All right. Very, very wise words. So I've studied the concept of self-esteem and self-worth for a long time. And I actually wrote a book about it, teach your kids to build a positive self-image, which is based on the concept of self-esteem, and that self-esteem and self-worth. And exactly what you said there at the end, when we don't feel worth it, when we don't accept ourselves, both men and women, for who we really are. And we are looking for external sources of approval. And we get really hooked on that. So we are looking for people, events, items, physical items, and material objects to make us feel good about who we are. And you see that a lot in men. I'm not saying is something that is exclusive to men, I'm sure women are also, you know, they can also fall into addiction such as spending money or shopping, right, that can be an addiction. But I think that low self-esteem, that lack of self-acceptance, in men that often stems from an inability to connect with yourself through emotions, can have very, very negative long-term effects on men and their families and their relationships. Because they're not really in touch with who they are. Right?

Leighton  14:45 
Yeah, the other thing there is that we then seek validation. Another thing and also which is a common theme with everyone is instant gratification. So it's, it's and gratification and validation of ourselves in our work.

Ela  15:03 
Yeah, yeah. And have you seen that in your work with men? Have you seen that?

Leighton  15:08 
Yeah, I saw it with myself in my - I call it my past life, but I see it a lot.

Ela  15:15 
Can you give me an example of what that would be, so our listeners can picture it better?

Leighton  15:22 
So I think, for me, it was ingrained into me that from society in my family, that life should be a certain way, I should work a certain number of hours per week, I should live in a certain type of house, I should be in this relationship by this age and have children by that age and kind of like, all these lives, you need to fit. Yeah, Life shouldn't be like that, and I was going through a really stressful period in my life where I was just on autopilot. And I blocked everything out. And I was using things like caffeine and alcohol and even the gym, I was using it as something to take my mind off of the stresses and the anxieties that I was going through. So it's like a mix of like, trying to be healthy, but actually, you're just covering up. Yeah, the emotion that needs to be released. And, yes, you're sick, and then you start doing things like going out more often. And trying to make friends with people that probably aren't. Maybe they're not the right type of friends for you. Because you're seeking validation from people.

Ela  16:42 
 Approval, social approval, right?

Leighton  16:45 
Yeah, absolutely. And so and then, yeah, I don't know. We'll probably touch on this a bit later, anyway. But it was not until, for me that I started seeing a therapist, and it's quite, there's still a stigma about seeing therapists. And I was quite lucky that in my life, I had people around me that spoke very positively about it and encouraged me to do therapy. And it's not until you have that safe space that you can then realize, well, actually, I don't want to live my life like this. And actually, I don't have to do it the way that I thought I was supposed to.

Ela  17:30 
Well done you for opening up and seeking help, because so many men don't have the courage, or the support around them to look for help. Or they feel perhaps they don't get it, perhaps they would want to seek help, perhaps they would want to look for a solution that doesn't have to necessarily therapy, for some men could be something else. But it's acknowledging that you do need help, you do need to understand yourself better, you do need to take proactive steps towards improving your life in whatever capacity if that is relationships, if that is how you may be dealing with addiction, or how you see yourself, how you are, perhaps, have formed negative beliefs that are holding you back from living your life to your full potential, whatever area that is, is that acknowledging as a man that you do need help, you need to reach out. That is step number one, so well done on that. And well, thank you for sharing. Because that is very inspirational. I want to strive away from negativity in this podcast. But one of the reasons why we were talking about this, apart from the fact that men are as important as women, they always have been, and they always will be, and they add lots of value to our society and our family, or any society for that matter. Apart from all of that, I also want to mention that suicide is the number one killer in man. So one of the main reasons we need to work harder, both men and women to help men seek help. It's to improve their mental health. So they don't feel like they need to end their life to solve their problems. Right?

Leighton  19:36 
Yeah. One of the things I think about a lot is having good connections. Yeah, in the sense of people that you can open up to, and one of the things that I've actually done quite recently is started a men's health and mindfulness group. And it's just a group where men can come in and kind of open up a little bit, and it's very early days, and you can tell that people have that nervousness of opening up in front of other men, because they've got that from there. But yeah, that's something that I'm working on.

Ela  20:15  
Is it face-to-face, or is it in via the internet?

Leighton  20:19 
It's a free Facebook group, Facebook group.

Ela  20:21 
Okay, perhaps we can include the link to the, to the group in the show notes, if anybody wants to.

Leighton  20:30 
And yeah, I think eventually. Sorry.

Ela  20:35 
Can you tell me how do you deal with stressful events in your life? What do you do?

Leighton  20:44 
So I have three main practices now that I fit into my weekly schedule. One is just breathing exercises. So in yoga, it's pranayama. But you could also do like box breathing, which is quite simple four seconds in, hold for four seconds out for four. And there are other breathing techniques, I'll try and do 10 or 15 minutes a day just to calm myself down. And meditation for me. So I always struggled with meditation before because I was so worried about what I needed to get done. Yeah. And I just didn't give myself time to sit there and be with my thoughts or tribe. There are so many meditation apps now that just sit there for 5-10 minutes to listen to one of those. It's so beneficial. But uh, yeah, I didn't realize that before that. My mentality was, I don't have time to meditate. And I think there's a saying, if you don't have time to meditate for 10 minutes, then you should meditate for 20.

Ela  21:56 
Yeah, I see. makes lots of sense. Because I've seen somewhere, a quote, you need to slow down to speed up. So you really need to invest your time in your well-being, as both men and a woman in order for you to become more effective, to have better results, to have better emotional resilience, and be able to deal with stress and pressure in the least destructive possible way. Right?

Leighton  22:31 
Yeah. The way I explain to people that I'm encouraging them to meditate more is that it will help them make better decisions throughout their day and ultimately, be more efficient.

Ela  22:43 
Sure, absolutely. I can totally I totally agree with that. I tried to meditate daily. And it helps me in a number of ways. And one of the main ones is feeling more in control of my day, and the decisions I make. So I totally agree with that. Okay, well, and the last question and this podcast (Virtually Unbreakable) is a podcast about self-improvement and self-care and happiness. Can you share what makes you happy?

Leighton  23:19 
So I guess a couple of things. So the first thing in terms of self-improvement and development, I love learning, and I love growing as a person which makes me really happy. And being grateful for what I have in my life makes me happy. And being kind and helping others makes me happy. And I would say deep and meaningful connections. It's really important.

Ela  23:50 
So friendships. Well, this has been fantastic. Thank you so much for joining us today at the show.