How to find a Partner when You are Single?

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• How do we prepare for a new relationship?
• What are the most common mistakes we make when looking for a partner?
• How to ensure we stay independent and happy regardless of our circumstances?
  
  

HELPFUL  LINKS

• About the Host  - Ela Senghera 
• Speak to Me - Book Here
• Get Free Brochure  - Be True You in Your Relationship
• Audiobook - Finding Love
• Parenting Book (2nd Edition) - Teach Your Kids to Build a Positive Self-Image

Transcript

Ela:
Hi Anna, it's good to see you again. So this pandemic hasn't been easy on many of us and many people decided to perhaps call it quits, finish their existing relationship or filed for divorce, while many people have been single before the pandemic and are still single and are currently looking for the right partner and perhaps don't know where to start. What are the things we need to consider before we get in the new relationship?

Anna:
So first of all I would start from checking what was wrong in the past relationships, because then it can give you an idea where to start. You need to start working on yourself and and on your apartment style. If, for example, you are dependent on someone else or if you are codependent, you need to shift this attachment style to a more healthy attachment style which is true for formulation of interdependent relationships.

Ela:
How can we define what is an attachment style? Because many people don't know and it would really help because, as you say, it's it's an essential part of that work that we need to do beforehand, right?

Anna:
Yeah, it comes from the work um of  psychoanalysts. They discovered that our attachment style is developed in early years of our life. There are different attachment styles, We can be anxious, avoidant, disorganised or we can have healthy style. So if you are anxious, you are scared of developing relationships with others. So you are afraid that someone may leave you, and you are trying to be so close to them that it can be too overwhelming for another.

If you are  so if you are avoidant you might be emotionally unavailable. You might be trying to take a lead the relationship, for example if it's too close, if if you start caring too much or form a close bond - you might choose to withdraw and get some distance, which of course can be very frustrating to your partner.  So, for example, in the codependent relationship, you would see the person, of course having some kind of personality disorder, or this is an addict or having some other issue with intimacy...
And there is also disorganised style. So you are both dependent and codependent. So you can either be very close to someone else and want to like, grab them completely for yourself or you just run away if it's too close. It's very chaotic style

Ela:

Let's take one step back and just remind our viewers and our listeners that in order for you to attract the right partner, it helps to have a look at your childhood and identify your relationship style. What are the patterns in your previous relationships that perhaps you could learn from?  Those two will be very closely connected and for most people, and that's where when we make those discoveries about ourselves and we build that awareness,
So , for example: ''in my last 3-4 relationships, there was the pattern that I have been attracting unavailable men... or I have been attracting people who are addicts, or those who constantly rely on me to fulfil their needs. This will really help us identify and figure out what are our weaknesses in a relationship sense.

But what about forming healthy relationships? So let's say we have identified our attachment style, let's say, and we know a bit more about ourselves, we spend some time looking at our previous relationships, and perhaps without overthinking too much. We have written down what the patterns are of unhealthy behaviour and why perhaps we ended our relationships. What about forming healthy relationships? Can we can you help me define what a healthy relationship is and how can we go about creating one?


Anna:

You have to find this out as you progress with a relationship. Sadly you cannot find it out without actually getting into the relationship. That's the whole point. So you have no choice but make mistakes again and again and again and learn from it. Because that's how you learn to  form healthy relationships with others as well if you haven't learned that much before or with your parents.

So we start from creating a relationship where you have some kind of honesty and trust and respect, mutual respect. There is open communication in healthy relationships. There is no problem with disagreements because even if there is disagreement or conflict, you can resolve the conflict without the drama. So both of you are accountable for each other. So whatever you say, you do -  own stuff, your own words. And this kind of environment you can you can just thrive in life because your partner is on your side, you have similar goals, you look in the same direction. You encourage, support each other and do not undermine, not create hectic or toxic environment.

Ela:
Where they have to constantly put up with fires, right?  So, let's recap this honesty, respect, open communication and valuing each other and respecting each other place in the relationship and respecting each other independent goals, right? Exactly. Which means that you can both live together or separately and both is fine. But you decide to be together, to love each other, to support each other. Love is not only a feeling, it's a decision.

Ela:
So I think what I would I totally agree with you. I also want to add is that perhaps this will sound simple or self-explanatory for many of you, but I want to highlight that in order to form a healthy relationship with another person, you first need to have a healthy relationship with yourself. As simple as that. Ideally, and you really have to if you are currently looking for a partner, if you are fed up of being single or divorced for a very long time, if you feel like your constant relationships are failure after failure, you really need to look at the relationship you have with yourself. How much do you know about yourself? What things are important to you? Do you have a healthy level of self esteem and and self worth or are you looking for another person to boost your confidence and how you feel about yourself? Are you looking for external things and external people, looking for our partner to make us feel good about who we are,  make us feel happy, right? Well, this is not their job!
This might sound really harsh to many of you, but this is absolutely not their job to make you happy. It's your job to make yourself happy, and it's your job to understand and build your boundaries, to look after yourself, to know how to lift yourself up when you're feeling down, and to develop a healthy level of confidence and a healthy level of self worth. Once you have developed those things you are perfectly positioned to create a healthy relationship with another person where you're not over relying on each other to survive in life and to feel good about who you are, but they are your partner on your side that is complementing your life.
I just wanted to highlight this because I think many people are feeling a bit lost when it comes to that. Do you agree with me Anna ?

Anna:
Yes, that's true. An an integrative, relational therapist I've seen plenty of situations in clients life all the time like they are talking about that. And this is completely normal because human are relational beings. We cannot grow without a relationship as you said previously, with yourself first, then with others and also with something greater with ourselves.
It therapy  you go through the questions, what is important for you, what are your goals, what are your values you think who you are? Firstly, this this will help to move forward with anything in life, not only with relationships, but also your career. Whatever with your life purpose. This this is crucial to to become independent.

Ela:

Well, this has been a very insightful conversation. Thank you so much, Anna