Why Dont You Get What You Want?

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• Real reason you don’t get what you want
• What is our role in creating our future?

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Transcript

Did you ever wonder why you don't get what you want?

There is a perfectly logical explanation to it and it is based on how our brain works. We act on what we anticipate will happen, not what we want to happen. This applies to the actions you take every day. We don't start a business because we don't believe it will be successful. We don't work on our idea because we dont believe that people will use it or buy it , once it becomes a ready product. You don't need a psychologist to tell you why so few people buy lottery tickets.So, very few people act on their desires and their ideas because they don't believe it will become a success.. 

What is important to learn here is that we act based on what we expect, not what we want.. What you want and what you expect are two completely different things. But what is an expectation? It’s a belief of whether or not you are going to get what you want.

So there are lots of things we all want. But sadly we rarely get what we want. Lack of belief that you deserve to get it and that it will happen and it will come true is one of the main reasons.. It is the reason why so many times you want to create a positive change in your life but most of the time you just feel stuck.

Expectation + Action = Creation of Your Life Experiences

So it might surprise you to discover that most people go about their day thinking they go after what they want, where in reality they are acting on their expectations!

One of the most common frustrations of many people is that they want to change their life but they don't believe they can. And so people give up on their marriages, their careers and their dreams because they don't think they can get what they want. Some of them are not even willing to try. 

There is probably something that you want in your life right now, but you are not sure if you can attain it so you are holding back. When you don't act on what you want - you take yourself out of the game.  What dreams are you holding back from?

Our brains work on the principle of participation. We are constantly predicting what is likely to happen and we act on those predictions.  You begin to act and feel and act in ways that help you prepare for what you expect to happen. 

When you prepare for what didn't yet happen you take part in creating the outcome! In other words you create a self-fulfilling prophecy! In case you are not familiar with the term - a self-fulfilling prophecy is the psychological phenomenon of someone "predicting" or expecting something, and this "prediction" or expectation coming true simply because the person believes or anticipates it will and the person's resulting behaviours align to fulfil the belief. 

One of the reasons why our expectations can keep us so stuck is because we have the automatic tendency to use the past to predict the future. If you failed once you might think that you will fail again. It’s interesting to note that the same part of the brain gets activated when you think of the future as when we think about the past. 

So we all use the past to make predictions about the future. But that doesn't mean that it's your past that's holding us back. But instead it’s that we don't believe our future can be better than our past. Without that belief we are not able to create something better even when the opportunity comes our way.

If you are aware of what your expectations are in any given situation then you are able to use your conscious mind to override your automatic thinking and plan for how to create a better outcome.  

Our expectation about the ability to get what we want has a huge impact on our emotional well-being! A large part of our brain is dedicated towards anticipating our rewards. Rewards are all the things that make life worth living. 

When you expect to get a reward you experience positive emotions. Such as happiness and joy. However when you don't expect to get what you want you experience sadness and disappointment or maybe even depression. The larger the gap between what you expect and what you want the more distress you feel. So what should we do when what we want and what we expect doesn't match up? 

There are only two things we can do in that situation. You can give up on what you want anyway or you can change your expectations so you take consistent action.

So how can we do that? I'm gonna give you three simple ways in which you can shift your expectations. What I want you to remember is to imagine an upcoming future event. It could be a work presentation, an important event, passing an exam, or finding a happy relationship. It could be having an amazing holiday with your family or a new beautiful house or car. 

Step one 

Ask yourself how what YOU ARE expecting is making you feel ? if you were expecting something positive to happen you were going to feel really good about it.. And you can stop right there because there's no need to fix positive emotions. If you're expecting something that you don't want you are going to be feeling negative emotions like anxiety, fear, dread, overwhelm; those are all signs that you have some negative expectations about that event. 

Step two 

Ask yourself what would I like to have happened instead? That question helps you identify what you really want in that situation. It's often the very thing that you are not expecting.

Step three
Ask yourself what do I need to do to make what I want happen? If you have a negative expectation about a future event that is because you were thinking about all the possible things that can go wrong, why it's not going to work out for you. You are not generating thoughts and ideas about how to make it go right.

But when you see a plan in front of you about how to get what you want, your assessment of the situation starts to change. This is where every successful action that you take towards that plan starts to change your expectations. 

Some of you might not believe that this will work for you. That is completely understandable as again we are predicting what will happen in the future based on our past... Top five years of research shows that changing your expectations can significantly improve your life when you are motivated by what you want to change is hundred percent possible.

and I will quote Henry Ford who said “Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are right.” Your past does not define who you are or where you are going.. It's your expectations of the future that limit you the most but you can totally choose. 

You can choose to take action based on what you want and when doing that you are giving yourself an opportunity to come out of the past. And live the life you truly want to live.