How to Bulletproof Your Kids Against Bullies

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• How to create resilience in children?
• Why do we all need a  positive self esteem ?

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Transcript

I would like to talk about something today that is extremely important to every child, and should be a priority to understand for every parent, it's the concept of self esteem. Self esteem is our internal picture is how we see ourself in our day to day life. Our self esteem is based on number of different factors, many of which have happened in the past during our childhood, all different factors such as how we were treated by our parents, our siblings, where we grew up, how much money our family had, you know, how was the neighborhood like were the other kids nice to us or our children. They all influence what self esteem we have today. And this is, of course, applicable to children as well. 

So child develops their self esteem, from very early on before they could walk or talk. They are sponges, they absorb all the information, they observe us, they listen to our voices, they can sense when and feel when when they are loved. And when they're in danger. All different situations from the childhood affect their self esteem. And what's really important is to encourage children to build strong levels of the self esteem from very early on. So not just by giving praise, and not just by giving hugs. But by building an inner confidence in our child. By trusting them with completing tasks and activities that will empower them will make them proud of themselves. This healthy level of self esteem is something that a child will need for the rest of their life. Because what's going to happen when a four year old or five year old who is perfectly happy, and perhaps grew up in a loving family.

When they start spending increasingly more and more time in the company of other adults, for example, teachers, and a company of other kids, they will be highly susceptible to their opinions, because of the brain development happening in the teenage years while happening throughout the whole life of a human being. But especially going through a very rapid changes during teenage years. We parents don't realize how much opinion of other kids matters to our children, how this peer approval, how crucial it is to them. And this is where the whole problem lies. We parents believe that our children are getting better, the more time they spend with their friends. It's something that is cultivated in our society, from very early on by our neighbors, our friends, our parents, our grandparents. 

Everybody seems to believe that the more contact a child has with their friends, what we call friends, or peers, the more grown up mature and successful they will become in the future. This could not be further from the truth. Of course, every human being needs contact with other human beings. However, children are not capable of developing true meaningful friendships with anybody until they reach a certain degree of maturity and a healthy level of self esteem. And that self esteem should be based on how they see and perceive themselves and not how others see them. So what we really need to cultivate in our children is a strong self image as strong inner confidence and inner balance and put less attention on what is The children say about them and say to them, and we need to really future proof our kids. So they are less obsessed with what other kids think of them, whether they think they're cool, how many friends they have, how many followers they have, how many likes they're getting for the new images that they are regularly posting, and obsess more about their ability to face difficult situations in life, which they only can face when they have a healthy level of self esteem. And it's not something that can be built in one day, and can be destroyed in one day. It's something that is formed throughout the years throughout the whole childhood, and depends on many, many factors, like I said, however, the more aware we are as parents of what comments, feedback, conversations, or experiences, we were exposing our child from very early on, the more we are aware of how important this healthy self esteem is to them.

How important it's going to be, when the cruel world that we live in, tells them that they're not pretty tells them that they're stupid, tells them they can't have the job they're applying for, rejects them on number of occasions, or perhaps subjected them to bullying at school, when the reality of the world we live in hits. By the time they go to primary school and secondary school. Children need to be able to stand up for themselves to defend themselves. And they need this armor of healthy self esteem and confidence. That self esteem and confidence is something that can only be built when a child experiences loving and trusting relationship with both parents are one of the parents at least, it's not something child can build on their own, when they are being treated in a horrible way by their parents, a child that is being treated badly from early on, or a child that never gets, never hears anything positive about themselves doesn't believe they're good. A child that is told that they're not good at maths, they are not good at English, they're terrible at football, or perhaps they should just not try something because it doesn't seem like it's their cup of tea child like this grows up to believe they are not good. And to change that belief system later on is going to be extremely difficult. And it's something that it's probably going to occur to them in their 30s and 40s, most likely.

So what I'm saying is, yes, let's be nice to our kids, let's treat them fairly. Let's be loving to them. Let's show them security and safety. And let's be a good listener, and a good friend to them. That's what I'm saying. But I'm also saying, let's be extra aware how our children are vulnerable to the approval from their friends, when they hate teenage years. They are extremely, extremely vulnerable and susceptible to looking for positive feedback, positive comments and approval from those peers and when they're not getting this approval. And they have a low self esteem that was formed from early years, that can be enough to become depressed. And that can be enough for a child to commit suicide. If a child has healthy level of self esteem that was created in their childhood starting from year one such child when exposed to bullying is going to care far, far less about being bullied than someone who has a low self esteem. 

Of course, a child with a healthy level of self esteem will still find it extremely disturbing that somebody is being mean to them, or is calling them names, but is more likely to actually look at that individual. As with a little bit of empathy and almost lack of understanding. Why would they be doing this because there's actually nothing wrong with them. And a child like this is more likely to open up and come in and speak to a parent about a child that is being mean to them at school. This would happen because the child has formed an attachment to both or one of the parents is really trusting the parent. That is the same parent who has played a crucial role in them, building this healthy level of self image, and is likely to come and speak to the parent and tell them when something's going wrong. So let's not give in to the power of peers, and the power of social media, and feed our children's need to be liked and approved by peers. Peers, approval is not going to help our children to face the reality of the harsh world we live in when they become older, whether they were liked or not, whether they had three friends, or 15, or one makes no difference in how successful they are in the future and how happy they are in the future.

So instead of focusing so much on our children spending time with friends, let's focus on building a very, very strong attachment and strong relationship with our children, where we cultivate, experiencing and getting involved in activities that bring us fun, our child can see us as their friend, and when they do, they will truly follow our lead and follow our advice. Let's really try harder to build this relationship with our kids. This is something that will ground them, it will make them strong, it will give them confidence and it will give them the life skills they need. It will give them the perfect platform to become more mature and become an adult that fulfills their goals and fulfills their dreams and have the courage to follow their dreams in the future.