Virtually Unbreakable
We believe that the only way to have a fulfilling life is to stay true to who you really are. To us that means building self-confidence, self-worth and resilience as well as accepting yourself for who you are. Virtually Unbreakable Podcast is dedicated to empowering you to create an identity that serves you and helps you embrace you true self. We talk about building a positive self-image and confidence, becoming resilient, changing your beliefs, setting boundaries and improving your relationships to create a more exciting and happier future. We are happy to see you here! Follow us and join us on this exciting journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
Virtually Unbreakable
Does Couple Therapy Work? Advice from Couple Therapist
TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE
- What stops us from building supportive relationships?
- What is the benefit of building boundaries ?
HELPFUL LINKS
- About the Host - Ela Senghera
- Speak to Me - Book Here
- Get Free Brochure -Be True You in Your Relationship
- Audiobook Finding Love
Ela: Hi Anna, welcome to the show! It’s so nice to see you again
Anna: Hi Ela, thank you for your invitation. I am glad we can meet again to discuss relationships and what we can do to transform them. It’s a big topic and I'm sure we will have plenty to discuss.
Ela: Sure, its a pleasure. So Anna, you are a psychotherapist and couples counsellor. What type of people usually come to see you in your practice?
Anna: Actually it can be anyone. It can be a person in any age, young people, adults and elderly people with psychological difficulties the same as physical ones, can touch anyone, regardless of age or status. If it is not related to different disorders, which are called pathologies in medical terminology, most of my clients come to therapy because they have realised that they are in a crisis that is very hard to cope with on their own. It is an emotional crisis that usually has roots in their previous experiences that reach as far as into their childhood the earliest moments of life, how they were treated in primary relationships by their parents/carers/ partners/friends/peers at school or at work. Following that we can go even deeper, because parents can unconsciously bring their own traumas whilst raising a child and pass generational, historical traumas that were never acknowledged and healed before in this family or culture. What we learn in childhood has a really tremendous impact on our entire lives. Just because we have learned in these formative years we really had to grasp .…
Ela: I understand. It seems that so much in our adult lives depends on our childhood. Why is childhood so important ?
Anna: What we learn in childhood can affect the entire life, especially that what we have learned in these early stages tend to stay in our unconscious mind and lead us through life on autopilot causing a lot of pain and emotional suffering. Some psychological theories convince us that the voices in our head, certain thoughts that we have come from our parents that we have integrated as ours – for example critical ones.
Ela: Right, I see and tell me - what are the most common issues people come to you with? What are the main struggles and problems they are looking to solve?
Anna: These are usually different levels of depression and anxiety, low mood, feelings of emptiness and lack of meaning, difficulties with an agency, with having your own voice in a relationship and in the world commonly well known from one side as self-esteem issues. People also come with anger problems on both sides of the spectrum – either excessive outburst of anger or problems with expressing any feelings related to that. Many clients have communication difficulties. All these are usually realised in a relationship with the other, most of the time Partner/children/friends/colleagues/ bosses at work. In a process of therapy clients often realise that it is not only the relationship with outside what matters but also how they relate to themselves and also for some it will be realisation with the Higher Power, something Greater than themselves, whatever it means to them.
Ela: Wow, that’s very interesting - especially your last point - how we refer to ourselves has an impact on our relationship..So we really need to build this connection with ourselves first, which is exactly what I teach at thorough my products at Virtually Unbreakable… And If someone wants to improve their relationship or marriage, do you think it’s beneficial if they come to you with their partner? Does that usually help?
Anna: Definitely it can be the best way to improve their relationship, but the problem is that one person may not want to use this type of help. They want to resolve problems on their own or what is worse, they think there is no issue at all. Sometimes the person that pushes the partner to go for therapy is feeling quite confident that they do not have many issues but the partner does and they want to prove their fault in therapy, but in the course of sessions they may discover that they are actually contributing a major part to the relational problems. In this case when our partner does not want to change it is always a great idea to try individual psychotherapy, to understand ourselves and the actual conflict better. And it may help us to make a decision about what we want to do about this relationship. Continue it or stay
Ela: Right, I see, so it can really help make that important decision, which I suppose in itself is very valuable.. And based on your experience, what are the most common roadblocks people need to overcome to improve their relationship or a marriage?
Anna: The biggest roadblock in my opinion in a relationship or marriage is something that we strive to transform in therapy which is bringing conflicts from unconscious to the conscious, to awareness. Couples most of the time argue about more surface issues than they realise. By awareness in this case I mean actually listening to each other with an open mind, listening to yourself, your own needs and wants, your own beliefs and values because this is something we sometimes clash with your partner’s and eventually communicating all of these in a nonviolent way, trying to achieve understanding, compromise and peace. It is the process of negotiating that we have to learn as well in our relationships.
Ela: Yes, totally ! Could not agree more - The art of constructive communication and negotiation is an important skill in any relationship, right? And what is the ability to see things from their perspective?
Anna: Sometimes it is also making our partners the priority and maybe next time ourselves. It does not have to be equal all the time. The joy of giving just for the sake of giving, not giving to achieve something or to have the same treatment in return, not sacrificing yourself on the altar of relationship. If you want a relationship that is deeper than simply sharing life as tenants, providers, this kind of practical relationship with economical function like paying for a mortgage together, paying bills, being cared for financially you need to open up for building intimacy on emotional and even spiritual level. Especially if awareness for you is also a spiritual term.
Ela: And what about setting boundaries? Do we really need boundaries, even when we really love each other very much and we enjoy spending time together?
Anna: Generally in a good relationship the boundaries between partners are neither rigid nor non-existent but flexible to build intimacy. Unhealthy relationships are often built on fear, for example that my partner will leave me if I do not behave. Healthy relationships are built on healthy boundaries, with both partners accepting and respecting the other. They are not selfish, and they represent self-love. In fact, real love can’t exist without boundaries. This is something that we also have to learn.
Ela: Well actually it might be helpful for our listeners to hear what boundaries really are. And really define them to define boundaries, as some people might not be familiar with them. So what is the definition you go with?
Anna: The shortest definition of the boundaries I know is that the boundaries is the ability to say no. It is quite a broad subject and contains a lot. Many people, even if they have heard about boundaries, may not be sure how to set them in relationships.
Ela: Yes, I know quite a few people who would definitely benefit from having stronger boundaries. And I know from my own life and my own experience that it’s not always easy to keep my own boundaries as we all can feel guilty (especially we women) when we are not able to give the other person exactly what they want from us. How do you recommend setting boundaries? Where is the best place to start?
Anna: What do you think when you hear the word boundary? It's some form of a line/ fence/ that is dividing something, protecting something. This line in psychological terms in relationships is showing when one person ends and another begins.
Ela: I understand…And what happens when we have no boundaries?
Anna: When we have no boundaries we can behave in many different ways either crossing other people’s boundaries or ourselves or both. Talking about women very often they cross their own boundaries by scarifying themselves for the sake of a family relationship, give so much that they burnout, they suffer, they get ill, they may deny their own feelings or having any at all, they may have serious difficulty with expressing feelings.
They are letting themselves be hurt, used by people and if they are hurting they seek the guilt in themselves. They overwork, try to please others, to earn love. They cannot ask for help, do everything on their own. It’s a really long list. We could multiply these examples.
Ela: So, am I correct in thinking that having boundaries is absolutely essential in any relationship, in order to ensure a happy relationship?
Anna: Definitely. The person who is crossing their own boundaries in these ways is also crossing the partners boundaries. They are usually trying to control, manipulate, smother, preach, teach the partner to achieve love and proper treatment. Something that the partner should give willingly.
The problem is that the woman with poor boundaries or no boundaries will choose the partners that will not treat them well. They go out, to a party for example and will somehow pick up the most ill person in the room to become their mate and later put him on a pedestal and will commit their lives to do the whole study to cure him / rescue him / support him / raise the partner. There are obviously more healthy versions of this dynamic because from the couple therapy theory we know there is always one person in a relationship who has more tendency to chase, to seek safety, rootedness and the other one who is withdrawing to have more space, more freedom. Very often this other person is a man. If you add more serious childhood attachment wounds to the pot, the drama is inevitable. And these are real dramas because these are not movies. These are broken lives, broken families and these life scenarios can be really tragic. They don't have awareness of their pain. So many broken lives, deaths, illnesses, addictions, empty lives, broken families left because of not having awareness of their pain and no boundaries.
Ela: And finally if any of our listeners would like to find you, where is the best place to look for you? And do you offer a free initial consultation ?
Anna: I am working online with most of my clients now but I am also working face to face in South East London, Lewisham. You can contact me either through my website or the BACP links that I will leave in the comments. I’m helping individuals and couples to understand themselves better so they can exercise their agency with the bigger awareness and make the best choices for themselves.
Ela: Anna, thank you so much for your time today. I just want to add that we are currently running a promotion. Together with Anna we have developed a product for those who want to improve their love life. There is hugely valuable content included. If you would like free access in return for feedback please connect with me via Linkedin under Ela Senghera. Thank you!
