How to Create and Maintain Your Boundaries ?

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• What are boundaries and when shall we use them?
• What are the advantages of setting boundaries?
• In what situations should boundaries be put in place ?

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Transcript

Have you ever tried to say ‘’NO’’ to their request but ended up saying YES instead??

You are not alone - boundaries are not easy especially if you are someone who is an empath, a helper or a natural giver.  Boundaries are something we all know we need to get good at but we often get stuck on how to do it !!

So in today's episode this is what we are going to discuss !  Boundaries are tremendously important to the health of every relationship and it's really important to understand what they are and why we need them.  And what is that deeper motive of setting a boundary and how to deal with feelings of guilt when we set a boundary ?

Today we will also briefly touch on codependency and people pleasing. Remember that if you would like the notes from today's podcast episode you can find them on our website which is www.virtuallyunbreakable.buzzsprout.com

So what are Boundaries?

Boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others. Understanding how to set personal limits is essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Setting boundaries is simply about communicating your needs for healthy interaction to someone else. It is a vital part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and wellbeing.

In any relationship, boundaries define where things like our personhood, our identity, our responsibility, and our control begin and end relative to the other person. 

Boundaries can be physical or emotional. Some examples of boundaries are :

Physical boundaries, which include your needs for personal space, your comfort with touch, or even your physical needs like needing to rest, eat food, and drink water. 

Physical boundaries protect your space and body, your right to not be touched, to have privacy, and to meet your physical needs such as resting or eating. 

Emotional boundaries are to protect your own emotional well-being. 

Emotional or mental boundaries protect your right to have your own feelings and thoughts, to not have your feelings criticised or invalidated, and not have to take care of other people’s feelings. 

Examples of emotional boundaries can be:

1) “I don't feel comfortable discussing this…” 

2) “I feel embarrassed when you criticise me in front of our kids. Please can you not do that” or 

3) “I feel hurt and misunderstood by you in this conversation…” 

Not everyone may like or understand your boundaries or your reasons for setting them. But it’s your responsibility to set them. It’s your responsibility to draw that line and to be consistent with it. So if you don’t set your boundaries, you cannot expect other people to follow them.

As healthy boundaries are a crucial component of self-care, it is only reasonable to keep them all the time. When you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when limits have been pushed. In other words, a lack of healthy boundaries can negatively affect all aspects of someone’s life. Setting healthy boundaries can have many benefits, including helping people make decisions based on what is best for them, not just the people around them. This autonomy is an important part of self-care.

What are examples of healthy relationship boundaries? This includes - 

1) Expecting others to communicate with maturity during disagreements; 

2. Asking for personal space and quiet when you're working; 

3) Voicing your concerns rather than holding onto resentment; and 

4) Letting go of codependency and having your own identity.

But , Where does it all start?

It happens so often in our lives that when we take time to get to know ourselves and our needs, we discover that there is a lot of relationships in our lives that don't serve us or there are many of those where dynamics are not very healthy, where there is no balance between ‘’give and take’’ or where we feel we can't communicate our needs openly. Well this has happened to me more than once in my life, And only when I grew older and wiser that I've looked back and said okay that had to end ….In that relationship that was a pattern that needed to be broken…

Do you ever feel that sometimes people come into your life to test you? They are like assignments – they're here to teach us various lessons about ourselves!

So many times in my life, before I've created my boundaries, I wanted to say NO, but i couldnt and felt angry with myself, frustrated or resentful afterwards... So often we say yes, because we don't know how to say no, or because we are afraid of the consequences. What will happen if we do say NO ? And people pleasing are right up there when it comes to boundaries. Those of us who are empathetic, compassionate wanna please but the people pleasing goes deeper than that a lot of times it starts in childhood. Many of us grow up to be a people pleaser because we very often as children had to manage the emotions of adults in our lives (mainly your parents). And the the thing is that we are not capable of managing the emotions of adults. It’s not our job to make them happy, but as children, if we often experience unhappy, abusive or angry adults we quickly learn that if only we make mummy or daddy happy, we will stay safe. And that business from childhood continues in our adulthood…and too becomes the way we live in our families and relationships… 

Why do people have such big trouble setting boundaries, especially women?

According to recent research women often struggle more than men in setting boundaries. This can be for a number of different reasons, one of them being that oftentimes women feel guilty when they cant make the other person happy and therefore they don’t meet the “nice girl” norm. So many of us were raised in cultures that expect women to be polite, please others, look a certain way, and play by the rules. We learned to sacrifice our own needs and well-being for others to avoid being “selfish”. 

Or as one of my friend, who is a therapist said : 

‘’Men often come across as entitled to do what they want to do, whereas women behave like they need external permission to be happy. Men are bold about their needs and their choices. Women consider everyone else before they think of themselves.’’ 

Let’s not forget that we live in times where more than 1 in 3 women have experienced some form of sexual trauma. And trauma survivors often struggle with boundaries around how much they can put up with in relationships because their personal boundaries have been crossed so many times. It’s hard to know what a loving and respectful relationship looks like when you’ve never had one. And even if you are in a loving relationship, you may find yourself being over-giving in order to please your partner.

Also, women so often overburden themselves with responsibility, something that we are often conditioned to do, and don’t allow the people in our lives to step in and provide support we so need. So isn't it wonderful to discover that we all have inner power and really walk into that power? How empowering is that ?!! Positive change is possible. It’s just a  matter of us looking within ourselves and saying it's time for change !  Of course change is scary but if we take that first step, if we acknowledge that there's something we can improve, we can evolve, we can grow and step into a better version of ourselves by taking that first step ! And this is the most important thing. 

So, you might wonder -  in what situations should boundaries be put in place in a relationship?

Well, considering that for all of us relationships form such a big and important part of our lives, and they often determine the quality of our lives and the level of our happiness, setting boundaries is an important skill that needs to be practised.  This applies to all relationships but especially romantic relationships. Setting boundaries are an integral part of all healthy relationships because they help to maintain a balance between you and your partner. 

Speaking of codependency, what is it exactly and when does it happen?

Codependency often results from a failure to set personal boundaries. It can be defined as a relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore. There is codependency in relationships where one partner has intense physical or emotional needs, and the other partner spends the majority of their time responding to those needs. Some of the signs of codependency can be a feeling like you can't live without the other person or when one side in the relationship has difficulty making decisions on their own or communicating their needs openly. It can also manifest itself as a poor self-esteem, having a fear of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval, and valuing the approval of others more than building and maintaining your own self-worth. 

There are number of situations where boundaries between partners should be put in place

How you will communicate, negotiate or settle disagreements is probably one of the most important boundaries you can set in a relationship. If one partner needs space when they're upset, that's an important boundary to acknowledge. Another one is who is doing what and how to share home duties and allow time for both partners to relax and unwind.

Ability to prioritise personal time for self-care or alone time with no distractions or interruptions is key, especially if you are a parent. Setting boundaries takes self knowledge. You need to get to know yourself and identify your key values and priorities and figure out what is important to you? 

So start setting  your own limits. When you don’t practice saying ''NO'' to your partner, you can easily take on more responsibilities than what you are capable of handling and end up resentful, exhausted, depressed or angry….