Women and Stress

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• Why does stress affect women and men differently?
• What can we do to manage stress better? 

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Transcript

Today I want to talk about women and stress and what are the common beliefs and how does stress affect us women and how is it all connected with the status of our relationship or our marriage.. Well and it's pretty obvious that when two people with completely different backgrounds come together and decide to live together for the rest of their lives there will be some changes.. And we know that for a relationship to be successful it requires a series of adjustments by their partners.  There are different stages each relationship and partnership goes through and they are the establishment of a court, intimacy and commitment and adaptation to any change can cause some stress. 

Sometimes it feels like it might be a constant process of adjustment by one partner or by the other. And it might  feel like we are tested for the majority of our life when we are in relationship with another. Whether it's commented on a committed relationship. 

And we constantly have to be adapting and accepting the emotional, professional and personal needs of the other person.  

Very often the differences of opinions are ignored and don’t raise any alarm. This happens quite frequently. When some events occur the suppression of these differences cannot be maintained anymore. 

So as easy as it is to ignore your partner's opinion on something when you don't have children yet, when you both have successful support careers and you find fulfilment in work, in individual ways for both of you, you don't care as much what your partner thinks about this or that.  But when there is an external situation external change that comes on top of that (such as the arrival of the baby) it’s not so easy to ignore the differences between us and our partner and therefore they often cause irritations. 

And sometimes it feels like they're never ending, that irritation, right??

And it's really really important to recognise those differences and deal with them in a mature way. It happens that when invitations are a regular between us and our partner, we women, more often than not, are not identifying them early enough and not dealing with them. That is not ideal. 

A strong supportive relationship between two people and their families can make certain differences tolerable but there are bigger things coming up that definitely need to be dealt with in a mature manner….

Sometimes we have critical life events happening, which unfortunately may even lead to the breakup of a not very stable marriage. And in the past when unhappy marriages happened they were quite difficult to dissolve due to the legal  framework and so on but now that is not the case anymore…

So those differences between us and our partner are a significant reason for increased levels of stress in our lives.

Apart from that we know that women go to work and before and after having children these days. And the weight earning capacity makes them financially independent and therefore getting rid of that traditional role of the man being the breadwinner…

So lots of those responsibilities are picked up by a woman who very often finds herself really struggling to balance the work life, the professional life and the family life. In a traditional relationship setting a man can feel stressed out by the fact that the woman has an independent career and chooses to go back to work after having a baby. 

In traditional relationships women often feel really trapped by the biological role of bringing up children. They can be quite unhappy about the fact that their potential in the workplace it's not been fulfilled, but on the other hand they quite often feel guilty if they decide not to have children in order to develop their career ….and this is where it gets really difficult for many women to make that decision consciously within the timeframe that we have that we want to live by. 

We women often  feel the pressure of not only finding the right partner to start a family with but also making sure that partner is supportive enough and is really sharing the household chores and the responsibilitIes related to raising children…..

So we experience this stress and pressure already before getting married and having children…In ‘’Stress management’’ by dr Chandra Patel, I’ve read recently a pretty bold statement, but I think it gives a lot of food for thought:

‘’On the whole, marriage protects men but does not offer any special benefits to women. In fact it might surprise you to know that the highest rate of stress I found is in married women. Married women have the worst mental health. Studies have shown that in general employment has a positive effect on the mental health of women by improving economic status, increasing self-esteem and social contact and elevating boredom. Historically speaking men hold power and authority and women are awarded for such psychological traits as submissiveness, compliance helplessness and passivity which accommodate and please men!!  

Most of us know that modern women are struggling to break away what looks like this traditional role of a housewife and its injustices…

Yet many women I know and definitely this applies to me as well. We are really keen to find new rules of independence and personal growth to raise our self-esteem and have happier and more fulfilling lives. 

The truth is that such struggles consume a lot of energy and can leave many women feel completely drained….

However it is possible to find that independence and make your happiness a priority. Many women feel out of control because they are constantly trying to attend to the needs of others, for example spouses, children, ageing parents. 

While we women are busy nurturing others, we rarely get nurtured ourselves. That is unless we learn the art of self-care!!

I think it's fair to say that many men, we know personally, carry themselves being really proud about their career, about their professional achievements and reaching their goals and conquering the world … At the same time while we women lose our identity to motherhood and to identifying and responding to the needs of others and this is of course very sad but it's also very common. 

Even when women are not feeling overworked and tired, a lower self-esteem and this inner turmoil really frustrates us, which is robbing us of our creative energy which is very important when building a business, coming up with solutions to different problems and finding our independence in a professional environment. 

So why is it that so often it feels we have to choose between our family and our career?

Choosing between a life consisting of all family and no work… Or no family and all work ?  

Either one doesn't feel like the one to go with,  doesn't feel like it's right and it's certainly unbalanced. We all need love and work in the right proportions which boosts our energy and happiness and makes us healthy and productive…

So of course we need family life and we need a career. So that need for healthy balance between the two is a significant source of our stress… 

What happens sometimes in some marriages or relationships is that when both partners have really independent and fulfilling careers or very fulfilling work interests they also might clash with each other, because when the children come along there is a decision to make who should subordinate career prospects when a job transfer is on offer or who should stay at home and look after kids when they are ill, for example…. Who should be the one that puts their career as a plan B and why?? 

Conflicting situations can occur in a modern relationship…which can cause lots of stress…. 

I think what's really important to remember is the art of self-care… and I know I talk about this a lot and I know this might be a term that you see more and more often and you don't quite know what this could mean for you as this could mean everything and anything to each one of us….But what’s most important is to recognise that without loving ourselves and caring for ourselves, we women are left with nothing to give to others!!

We have to start from prioritising our self-care and prioritising our own needs in order to be able to give attention, love and care to others !!

And in partnership as in any other close relationships and emotions are intense..

And they often lead to frustration, dissatisfaction or resentment or anger that needs to be expressed….  

What self-care gives us is the ability to build inner strength ….and to give us balance and a sense of inner peace,  feeling more in control of our life and our  reactions..

So there is absolutely no way you can overestimate self-care as a woman, especially if you have children….

What's also important is that whatever you feel about yourself, your life or your partner cannot be suppressed inside you for a very long time. Because when feelings are suppressed they lead to chronic and festering resentment and long hidden conflicts can lead to many psychosomatic illnesses…

Nobody will know why you're suffering from certain symptoms and the doctors might have difficulty diagnosing you…

So the power of self expression in a relationship, standing up for yourself, speaking up and finding your independence as well as learning the art of negotiation is very important …

And of course children can be the source of joy as well as conflict. The prospect of having a baby might cause different reactions in a couple-  one might be delighted, the other one might become anxious… whether or not there is conflict- one thing is certain there will be a loss of freedom.. with the arrival of a new baby…

For many women there is a loss of self-confidence and loss of identity, which doesn't have to happen… if we learn to prioritise our own needs and speak openly with our partners about how to ensure we both are fulfilled in our relationship, so finding a language finding communication style that suits you both and finding time to deal with conflict instead of ignoring it and let it fester…

So this art of self care and managing our stress levels are crucial steps to our wellbeing and happier life.