The Art of Happiness

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• What is The Definition of Happiness  ?
• How to Be More in Charge of Our Happiness ? 

HELPFUL  LINKS

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Transcript

1. What is happiness? 

Happiness is a peculiar topic. Its abundance or lack of it affects us all and yet it is rarely discussed at educational institutions, business meetings or dinner parties. Our children do not attend lessons on “how to be happy in life”, having a Happiness Officer in the workplace is still a rarity, the happiness gap is widening especially between men and women, and only one country in the world measures its success on the basis of its citizen’s happiness. 

Happiness is not only about ‘feeling good’ here or there but it is a much broader experience of meaning, joy, life satisfaction and overall positive wellbeing. 

2. Why does happiness matter?

Happy doctors perform 19% faster and give more accurate diagnoses. Happy sales teams will outperform colleagues by 56%, a performance that makes them 40% more likely to receive a promotion or a pay rise. And this doesn’t only apply in work - happier people have more fulfilling relationships, better health, and they even live longer. They are more generous and play an important role in building a kinder and healthier society.  

It’s simple really, our brains perform better when we feel positive emotions rather than neutral or negative ones. This in turn, translates into being more resilient, productive or creative. 

Whatever your audiences decide to do in life, happiness can help them get there. Rather than chasing success to feel happy in the future, it all starts with being happy in this very moment and from that they will be more likely to find success.

3. What is happiness at work? Specifically at work, happiness is measured as:

• Autonomy - our desire to be self directed.
• Mastery  - getting better at the work we do and applying our strengths
• Purpose - having a driving goal to your work and life, being connected with the purpose of the overall organisation
• Fairness - respect, fair pay and working conditions
• Belonging - connecting with colleagues at work, having positive working relationships at work

 4. How to increase your happiness at work?

• Increase your positive wellbeing at work by concentrating on the below components of happiness at work:
• Autonomy - concentrate on what you can control at work. If you have a high level of agency, you believe that you can influence the direction of your work and have a choice to act no matter what the circumstances are. Sadly, if you feel you have no control in your work, then you are more likely to give up, overlook opportunities to change and become disengaged.
• Mastery  - identify and apply your strengths every day. Employees who use their strengths are six times more effective and engaged in their role, finding more meaning and satisfaction in it
• Purpose - concentrate on making a positive impact by contributing to the bigger why. A non-profit organisation called 80,000 hours on their website asks us an interesting question on their website . "You have 80,000 hours in your career. How can you best use them to help solve the world’s most pressing problems?”
• Fairness - Negotiate pay and conditions you are happy with.
• Belonging - spend time connecting with colleagues and being kind at work. Adam Grant, in his book “Give and Take” provides astounding evidence that those who give at work, that are supportive of their colleagues, are consistently kind and concentrate on collective results, are more likely to succeed. For instance, they are six times more likely to land a promotion than those who work in isolation and concentrate on individual gains. It is truly worth it to be kind!

5. What are the most common misconceptions and myths around happiness? 

• Happiness comes from external circumstances (we have our formula backwards)
• Happiness is selfish 
• Happiness is about avoiding negative emotions 

6. How can we be more in charge of our happiness?  (outside work)

• Put your happiness on your to-do list. What are you doing today to help you to sustain happiness?
• Practice different skills and see what works for you. 

Part One - Definition

• What is our Inner Voice ? 

Much of our stress is due to silent conversations we have with ourselves. Psychologists call this self-talk. We talk ourselves into the ground by programming ourselves negatively. Negative self-talk often serves in our attitudes, beliefs, expectations, interpretations and predictions.

When we blow things out of proportion by using words like ‘’extremely’’, ‘’incredibly’’, ‘’always’’ or ‘’never’’ we often come to believe in the things we repeat to ourselves. The tendency to put ourselves down is self-destructive. In fact, self-esteem and vulnerability are inversely related: when self-esteem is high -  vulnerability is low and vice versa.

Some people call this our critical inner voice or a mind chatter. 

• Where does it come from ? 

It's been there since our childhood. As soon as we are able to form thoughts and process them we develop an inner voice. It’s a vocal part of our mind. The role of our inner voice is to protect us from dangerous situations, prevent danger etc..so what our inner voice tells it’s very often related to our past experiences as it tries to prevent us from making the same or similar mistakes.

• Why do we listen to our Inner Voice?

We listen to it because it makes us feel safe and by raising our defences it prepares us for a possible defeat in the future.. If we have an adequate amount of self-esteem it will help us confront challenges and solve problems instead of worrying about them.

More often than not our inner voice really undermines our sense of self-worth but we listen to it regardless. Another reason why the critical voice has such a strong hold on us is that there is a part of us that is willing to believe that its approval, just like the one of our parents, is necessary for our survival..

• How do we use our inner voice on a daily basis and how does it affect us ?

It affects us tremendously every day. It can be supportive and kind or demanding and critical. We base our decisions and actions on what that inner voice is saying. Depending on its tone and its advice we might try something new, or not take a risk or make an effort. So our inner voice really determines what steps we take in life. Everyone has this critical inner voice but people with low self-esteem have a particularly vicious one. It calls us names like stupid or lazy whenever we make the slightest mistake… It compares us with other people and their successes and it tells us that we will never achieve what we want because we are not capable… If we are less than perfect we are nothing. Unfortunately our inner voice has the tendency to exaggerate our weak points and dismiss our strengths.

• How does our inner voice impact our happiness ?

It impacts our happiness to a huge extent. This is because our inner voice has such a big power over what we do, it acts like this invisible person and assists us in making decisions. So it is really worth developing a kind and supportive inner voice, as it will motivate us to taking action. The negative and critical inner voice will stop us from achieving. 

Did you know that when our inner voice is harsh and critical you have the same reaction as if we were arguing with someone and wanted to run away? When we are not speaking kindly to ourselves, when we are very harsh about something (that we just did or something that just happened)  - what happens in our body at that point is our cortisol level goes up and we don't want to do anything.  The only thing we can think of -  is to fight or to run away. So this type of voice is not putting us in a frame of mind where we are motivated to do any work or improve anything. It’s an important fact and it’s worth bearing in mind.

Part Two - Practical Tips

• How can you transform the impact your inner voice has on your life ?

Work on creating a positive inner voice. And I just want to be clear here that this is something that doesn’t happen suddenly. You need to practise this skill. You need to be able to tune into your thoughts and your inner voice especially when you are in the midst of a difficult situation. If something is important to you or is bothering you, observe how you talk to yourself.

Step One. Practising self-awareness

Step Two. Ability to tune in and hear what your inner critic is saying

Step Three. Consciously rewrite what you say to yourself and transform it into a kinder, softer and more accepting tone.

Step Four. Being kind to yourself and practising self- acceptance daily

Step Five. Becoming your own best friend. 

• How to tune into your inner voice, when there is lots of noise around us ?

That’s a great question and a very important one. As it happens so often that other people tell us what to do. I love this quote that says ‘’opinion is the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world..’’

Yet, it happens so often that other people take over the stage and they want us to run with ‘’their show’’. I think marriages, relationships and families are where this happens very often. We might find our partner has a louder voice than us. Some of us are more susceptible to listening to their opinion and go with it..and we completely forget about taking a step back and having a think: ‘’is this really something that i want to do?’’ Is this good for me? And sit in the company of our thoughts and ask yourself: ‘’what do I really think? ‘’What thoughts are going through my head right now’’

But like with everything else it takes practice. It's developing self-trust and self awareness and tuning into our inner voice. It’s a very smart way to prioritise your own needs and not going with what is convenient to others. 

• What is your key advice for our listeners?

Try to work on developing self awareness, if you haven’t already. Think about what your inner voice is like? How do you speak to yourself when others don’t listen? Is your voice likely to be gentle and supportive or do they mainly criticise themselves and sound really harsh when they talk about themselves? Pay attention to how you talk about yourself, your skills, your dreams and your goals. How does the tone of your voice sound?  It's really important to take control of our inner critic, because we are capable of more when our voice is kind, soft and supportive, rather than strong and demanding.

Always try to speak to yourself as if you were speaking to your best friend. There is a very little chance, when you speak to yourself like that, that you will fail or become lazy. There is a very high chance however that when you speak kindly to yourself, you will succeed in whatever it is that you are doing.

• Why is developing a supportive inner voice so important ?

It’s important because our inner voice determines so many things. Critical inner voices can be very empowering or it can be very self-destructive. It’s often linked to low self-esteem and poor mental health. In fact self-esteem and vulnerability are inversely related: when self-esteem is high -  vulnerability is low and vice versa. Critical inner voice and poor self image often leads to a feeling of helplessness, which turns into helpless behaviour and even depression.

And let’s not forget that we are capable of more things when our inner voice is kind and supportive rather than harsh and demanding.

• Who is most susceptible to having a critical inner voice?

People with low self-esteem

People who have high levels of self-esteem and self-worth speak kindly to themselves. Of course these people also have bad days so they can be a little bit critical towards themselves from time to time, but on average people with high levels of self image and high self-esteem talk kindly to themselves. 

People with low self-esteem see life as very black and white. For them things are either great or they are very bad and they often compare themselves to others.  

Adults and kids who have low self-esteem often think that others don't think of them in a positive light. They think that even when they have no proof of it. So the low self-esteem and an inner critic goes very much hand-in-hand. The moment our voice becomes kinder and softer and more encouraging our self-esteem goes up and the same applies to our children.

• So what is the recipe for happiness here?

Well, to me happiness is not something external that happens to us. It’s a skill that needs to be practised and can be mastered. Just like self-awareness. To me happiness is closely related to self-expression and being authentic and staying true to yourself. As this allows us to know and trust ourselves enough to follow our dreams and our goals, no matter what other people are saying. 

So happiness is very much based on developing a positive self-image and a healthy self esteem and becoming your own best friends, and speaking to yourself as if you were speaking to your best friend. In all circumstances. Being able to soothe yourself into peace and balance. That’s when happiness and gratitude follows.

so to keep it simple: develop self-awareness, build a positive self image, practise talking to yourself in a positive way, and don't be too harsh on yourself when you fail at something. And also talk about things that excite you, about future plans or your dreams, RATHER THAN about negative past experiences, as they have already happened and there is no use to talk about them. Talk about positive things. When you do it - you are reaffirming to yourself what you really want. And this way you are just a few steps closer to achieving it. 

• How can parents support young people in becoming more happy? 

In three ways:

1. help them build a positive self esteem, 
2. cultivate positive self-expression and encourage them to stay true to themself 
3. Help them develop courage to be disliked

• Our partners and families play a big role in our quest for happiness. Sometimes, especially when we feel vulnerable, our partners or families can ‘’scream louder’’ than us and can project their feelings on us. In situations like this how can we use our inner voice to stay centred and balanced in order to take charge of our own happiness ?

It’s not easy. It takes practice. It starts with practising the ability to not react, to take a step back and 

• Why is listening to our  inner voice more important than listening to the opinions of others ? 
• How can we practise listening to our inner voice ?