The Myth of a Perfect Parent

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• The myth of a ''Perfect Parent''
• How to stay sane & find balance as a busy parent?
• What do children need to feel safe and secure ?

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Transcript

Ela:       Hi Andy, Welcome!

Andy:   Hi. 

Ela:       So, today we are talking about parenting. You are a parent yourself, is that right? 

Andy:    Yes that's right, my children are adults now, but I remember very well all the ups and downs of parenthood! 

Ela:        Today we will talk about younger children, because it’s the earlier year  that form the foundation for the future. So what are your general thoughts on this ?

Andy:    Even though we often cannot remember our early childhoods, there is no doubt that those years of your life were very important. I see quite a few children who have been fostered or adopted and have had a very difficult first few years. That difficult start in life can really make it really hard for them to feel secure and at ease with the world. Not that a difficult first few years can’t be recovered from, it can, but a good solid start in life is a real bonus.

Ela:       Tell us a bit more about what you see in the parents you meet….

Andy:    Well, most parents have strong feelings about how they want to bring up their children. When a baby is coming, it is a time that mothers and fathers think about their own childhoods and think about what they would like to be the same for their child as it was for them, and what they would like to be different.  There are some people who feel that they had a great childhood and can’t think of  anything that they would want to be different for their children, so that is great. I find parents like this have quite an easy time. But for a very big proportion of parents there are quite a few things they would like to be different for their child from how they remember their own childhood.

Ela:        What’s your childhood story?

Andy:    I remember feeling that my dad had been rather absent, physically and emotionally, a workaholic, and what I wanted to be different for my children was to be around them a lot, to be there for them. So when my wife was keen to get back to work, after our first child was born I volunteered to be a stay at home dad for a few months.

Ela:       Wow, that's great, How did that go? 

Andy:    Well,  you can imagine my shock when I found it really difficult to cope. Although I  loved my baby. I found the chores of getting ready to go out really tough, hanging about with mums in the park rather dull, and I remember waiting and waiting and wondering when my wife would be back from work. I wanted to be back at work ASAP.  I worried that in fact I was the kind of Dad I disapproved of.

Ela:       I think this happens to more people then we realise……

Andy:    Perhaps.  I was an adult and I was able to make choices, so although I did go back to work, and we got a daytime nanny in to look after the baby, I made sure I was home promptly from work, unless it was essential to stay late. I gave my kids attention, and played with them, cuddled them and loved them. As they got older I would do the school run a couple of times a week. I am pleased to say that they, now as adults, spontaneously say that they have very positive memories of  childhood.  I adore them and they adore me. It has worked out well, I wasn’t perfect but I was good enough.

Ela:      You said a key phrase here…i wasn't perfect but i was good enough…

Andy:  If I had been someone who for some reason felt I could not live with not being the perfect Dad I wanted to be, my mental health could have suffered and I could even  have become depressed. Then I would not have been a happy Dad for my children  to enjoy, I may have been a miserable Dad who was emotionally unavailable to my children, and avoided being around them because it reminded me that I was a failure. Then without me meaning to, my children would have experienced me as a ather similar sort of Dad to the one I was wanting not to be, absent, detached. 

Ela:     That is the trouble with parenthood: there are all sorts of things that can catch you out. 

Andy: Indeed, A very common example is mothers or fathers who remember their parents being strict, withholding, losing their temper and shouting at them. So when they have their own children, they want things to be different. They want  to be gentle, kind and giving parents, who stay calm at all costs. However as they get older, the children of gentle, kind, giving parents often start to learn that if they push the boundaries hard enough, they can get whatever they want. This can be very frustrating for parents, so a parent for example who is desperately trying to stay calm, will stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm and THEN START SHOUTING! I have seen many parents like this, who despite all their efforts, become a shouty parent, and inadvertently become just like the parent they didn’t want to be..

Ela:     Interesting ... i think this phenomenon is referred to as a script from childhood, however hard we try, the same script seems to re-emerge when we become parents.

Andy: Yes exactly, but there are things you can do. There are basic simple rules, that if parents are able to do, it will make things better. So for example a shouty mother who doesn’t want to be a shouty mother needs to practise setting boundaries early on when children are beginning to push at the boundaries. Not after they have been demanding for a long time, and driven the kind gentle mother to the edge of a nervous breakdown!

Ela:     There are lots and lots of self help guides on improving children’s behaviour by  giving them positive attention, and also bringing in structure, routines, boundaries and rewards and so on….. Unfortunately many parents don’t think they want to bother with following these….

Andy:  Yes that is true. What I ask parents like that is to try and imagine being a child and imagine what kind of parent they think a child would like to have. Not the perfect parent. Imagine just what sort of things would your child like to see in any parent?  So number one is an adult who you go to when you are hurt or in distress and is able to comfort you.. First equal is someone who can make you feel safe. You can see this in the park any day of the week. If you see little children in the play area, the parents will be close by when they are very small, or when they are a little older parents will sit at more of a distance. But you will see young children “checking in” with their parents on a regular basis, coming close to check that they are there, and then feeling safe again they will toddle off again in the knowledge that their parents are there. If there is an upset, for example a scary dog comes into the park, the child will run over to their parents to regain their sense of safety and seek protection. 

Ela:      What do you base your argument on?

Andy:   There is a very well respected theory called Attachment Theory, and according to this theory is what children are checking into the “secure base”. You can imagine an invisible elastic band that connects children to their parents and other important older humans - older siblings, grandparents etc. When things  feel safe the elastic band stretches and there is a physical distance between the parent  and the child, when things feel scary the elastic tightens and the child seeks proximity to the parent. All animals and birds follow the same behaviour. For example we have all seen ducklings staying close to their mother for example.

Ela:       OK….what does this mean? 

Andy:    If you think of yourself as a child, and the kind of parent you would feel safe  with - there are some other things that become clear.. If you are with a dad who you barely see because they are at work all the time, you won’t feel safe. If you are with a Mum who may, at the slightest thing, fly into a rage, you won’t feel safe. If you are with a parent who is a push over and will give into your every whim, (or in other words that you feel like you are the boss of your Mum rather than her being the boss of you), you won’t feel safe either.

Ela:      Why is this important?

Andy:  It’s important that parents who notice that they feel like they are the servants of their children rather than in charge of their children, need to wake up and realise that what their children need is a parent who can make them feel safe. So as well as active listening, all the cuddles, playtime, story time, trips out, and  lots of nice toys, young children also need to know what behaviour is expected of them, what is the daily routine: when mealtimes are, when bathtime is, when bedtime is. And if their behaviour is not falling within what is expected of them, that they are pulled up about it before the parents get harassed or agitated, and long before they start shouting.

Ela:     I guess if you do all of those things all the time, you would be the perfect parent,  right? But let's face it, who in the world ever is like that all of the time? 

Andy:  Nobody. But that is what you want to aspire to and get close to. And not because   it’s cool to be the perfect parent, but because this is what children thrive on. Parents often worry about future proofing their children and helping them to build the self confidence and resilience they need in life.  But if when they are very young, children can get the things I have been talking, they are likely to develop resilience and self confidence and do well in life. That is why the early years are so important and why parents need to be open to getting support for themselves, to help them through this very demanding period.

Ela:     Any final advice for our listeners, many of whom are parents?

Andy: Just to say again, if you are struggling, don’t beat yourself up about not being the perfect parent. There really is no such thing. 10 to 15% of women experience post natal depression and another 20 to 30% experience emotional distress or difficulty adjusting to parenthood. About 40% of fathers will experience poor mental health when their children are young. So as many as 50% of parents will need help and support when their children are young. I am not talking about therapy here, but the normal support you can expect from friends and family and some self help resources can be very helpful. But you need to reach out for help and support, don’t pretend you are coping when you are not.