Are You in a Codependent Relationship ?

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• What is love addiction & how to recognise it?
• How to free yourself from co-dependent relationship?

HELPFUL  LINKS

• About the Host  - Ela Senghera 
• Start Your Transformation - Book Here
• Audiobook   Finding Love
• Get Free Brochure  -Be True You in Your Relationship

Transcript

Ela:       Today we are talking about relationships. You are a relationship expert ….

Anna:    Yes, you could say so. I’m relational integrative psychotherapist qualified  from a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. I work according to the REMA model which combines psychodynamic and humanistic  interventions. In my therapeutic work, I work a lot with couples and women,  many of which come to see me to better understand their relationship history, and relationship choices.

Ela:       What are the most common relationship issues you have observed in your work ? 

Anna:   There are many of them. We probably don't have enough time to discuss all of them but I’m happy to talk about love addiction and codependency, as these are one of the most common ones.

Ela:      Wow!!  Love addiction... I didn't know such a thing existed!! Who is a love addict?   

Anna:   A Love Addict is someone who is addicted to another person, entwined with him or her and constantly focused on that person without their will. The other person often avoids this emotional intimacy from that ‘’love addict’’. They do that through some analogs such us: drugs, internet, workaholism, sports, hobbies, sexual addiction. This condition is often described as codependence

Ela:       Does codependency affect women more than men?

Anna:   Well, most women can fall into this trap at some point in their life, even women who are very successful professionally. Regardless of your relationships status, or career choice you can be a woman who loves too much. So, the mechanisms we are going to talk about today and its source can be recognized in virtually every relationship, (not just romantic relationships) but let’s focus on the examples of relationships with our partners, because it’s those that absorb women the most. 

Ela:     Yes.. for us women so much seems to depend on this one aspect of our lives…

Anna:   It certainly seems so, right ? So many women occupy their mind and energy on the  relationship they are in. For example: how they feel about themselves and how they see the world depends on how happy they are in the relationship context. They often see their personal success through the lenses of a relationship. It important to recognize that romantic love it's a big part of our lives but it’s not the only part.

Ela:     Yes, and how can we recognize love addiction / codependency?

Anna:  There are many configurations of co-dependency and each of the individual 

 stories of codependent couples are dramatic one, often full of pain. In co-dependent relationships both sides are often deeply unhappy. Often what holds them together is not love but: financial matters, children, or the fear of change, fear of loneliness and abandonment. Co-dependent people are characterised by relationship dynamics in which relationships are either controlling or controlled.

Ela: Are emotions running high in codependent relationships?

Anna:  Oh, yes. Most of the time. There is a lot of anger in codependent relationships. We repeat our outbursts of anger and combine it with an obsessive desire for revenge. Anger weakens the codependent person, it breeds shame. There could  also be hidden or poorly expressed anger, or depressive frustration. It often manifests itself by blaming yourself for your own inability to build boundaries with people. Co-dependent people either make someone else their Supreme Authority (through hatred, fear or devotion), or they strive to be the Supreme Authority for others.  Co-dependent people often have other additional difficulties like:

• compulsive love 
• non-life threatening eating problems 
• work addiction 
• spending too much money and debt addiction 
• religious addiction
• drug or sex addiction

Ela: Can you give us some examples of loving too much? Or examples of codependency?

Anna:  Sure, basically you are loving someone to the point of an obsession about him and your relationship. Nothing else really matters. You neglect yourself, your children, your health or finance. You cannot function because you are so emotionally and physically exhausted, but you also cannot let go. People who love by analogy develop various diseases due to exhaustion from such enormous stress. In conversations with family friends, you only talk about him and about your problems, you complain about him or take pity for him but you are  not prepared to let him go. You are hooked on the drama he brings to your life and you are completely committed to changing him through your love and attention. 

Ela:       Hmm, sounds like something  before.….not long ago…haha

Anna:   Well, yes it happens more often than we think, which is why we are talking about  it's today, right? Women in codependent relationships have all types of excuses for the  behaviour of their partner or their boyfriend. One of the main ones being :  his difficult childhood.  You might play the role of a therapist, you try to read personal development books looking for fragments that suit him in order to help him. At the same time you don’t like his basic values, behaviours. This man does not meet your needs, he does not care about you, but you believe that you will change that through your love and help. So many women allow themselves to be used sexually,  financially or emotionally. They would do anything for their man, just for the sake of staying  together.

Ela:       What do codependent relationships originate from? What is the cause?  

Anna:   One of the main causes is coming from a dysfunctional family. We can look for reasons for codependency in judeo-chiristian values, patriarchal culture, pop culture, songs, movies and misinterpreted religious norms and ethical traditions. We are often thought to help the ones in need, those who are weaker than us. Or we might believe that keeping a marriage comes with a price. But the main reason is always the desire to control that comes from growing up in dysfunctional families.

Ela:      Why are we getting so often into such relationships? 

Anna:   Yes, you wonder why we often repeat the same situations in your life. The same  failed relationships, being used in business or by a friend, giving someone help and attention for years and when you are in need, you have no one to help you.   When we come from dysfunctional families, we are used to helping, we are used  to drama, we prioritise the needs of others first, we neglect our own needs. When we are  growing up in such an environment, we are determined to change that in our  adult years. So we attract partners who are in need of ‘’rescuing’’ just  as our parents were. So we are not attracted to guys who are nice, stable,  reliable and those who are interested in us. We find such men boring. While this unstable, immature, moody, broke, sick or addicted, man is incapable of being faithful,  incapable of accepting responsibility, not able to marry you and to start a family, you find this type all the more interesting the more unattainable the goal is. This is  because your main motivation is to fix him and this way solve the drama from your childhood, your unfinished business.

Ela:      Wow, it seems that most of our adult problems originate from our childhood…

Anna:  Unfortunately many of them are. If you see this pattern repeating in your relationships, you have some unfinished business, most often from childhood. You couldn't change your parent into a loving dad who cares about you, now you are trying to enter subconsciously into the same relationships where your needs will not be satisfied and try to live them again because you do not know anything else and maybe you are trying to subconsciously change the story that started in your childhood…Remember that we are not attracted to what is good for us but what feels familiar.. 

Ela:      Is our attempt to fix our childhood problems just destined to fail?

Anna:  Not always, but in this context yes. You believe that this time someone will love 

 you, if you try hard enough, if you love them enough, if you help, be wise. But this  does not happen. Just like in the past our parents were busy with something else,  with some conflict, the same way our partner is now emotionally unavailable and busy with his problems which does not allow him to be intimate with us. You're trying to get different results by repeating the same thing from your past and it’s not happening …

Ela:      …..which is the definition of insanity…So what is the solution ?

Anna:   The solution is taking your life into your own hands and building a sense of self- worth for sure. Healthy egoism has its positive side for you and the world. Initially, many women go to  therapy because they want to fix their partners, and then they start to understand  that it is for their good, for their future, for their children and loved ones, but also for society. They become a model for those who are willing to change. By building self-esteem and rejecting codependency, you may be the first in your family to break this vicious circle in which the women in your family were stuck.  The world will benefit more when you are fulfilled and happy,  working for the good of the local community, giving back something of yourself, raising the next  generation of people who are self-aware  and able to cope better emotionally.   Thanks to this, our world will become a better place. We start with ourselves by building our happiness. Some people call it healthy selfishness. You have probably  heard the anecdote of putting on your own mask before helping others….

Ela:      Yes, I did.

Anna:   Yes, so learning to set boundaries is very important. This might be an extreme example but when you are about to save a drowning person, it may look brutal but sometimes you have to push the drowning person away, but you are only doing it so both don’t drown.

Ela:      Is there anything else you want to mention at the end?

Anna:  Well, maybe it’s worth to summarise and mention the 

            STEPS TO ACHIEVING EMOTIONAL FREEDOM FROM CODEPENDENCY

1.   Get help. And this can be quite accessible, you could look for personal  development books, etc…

2.   Make your own recovery process the first priority in your life. This should be your main goal. This is you who matter 

3.   Find a support group of peers who understand. 

4.  Develop your spiritual side through daily practice through daily practise because quite often we live life without having any kind of daily schedule where we include spirituality

5.   Stop managing and controlling others. 

6.   Learn to not get "hooked" into the games which might be coming from other people if not everyday, this could come from people at work , from relationships

7.   Courageously face your own problems and weaknesses. 

8.   Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself. The more you do this the more courageous you become.

9.   Become "selfish." Think about yourself, not just others, learn to say no. Don't just be around others. Everyday do something pleasurable for yourself. Fulfil your own needs on daily basis 

10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned. There is no better way to practise, and remind yourself how far you have come